1. The “I’ve been following soccer this entire time and now you guys finally care” person
Their entire identity is rolled up into being the one person that follows all the unpopular sports that America participates in. Their claim to fame is that they actually know the names of all the players on the USA team and can actually tell you how the World Cup works, whether you want to hear about it or not. On the surface, they’re begrudging you for just now “jumping onto the bandwagon,” but secretly are happy they finally belong.
2. The “I didn’t even know USA had a soccer team, but this is a great excuse to drink beer” person
Sporting events? Check. Able to paint their face and wear an American flag on their person? Check. Beer in cans? Check. Your local bros and former high school jocks are loving this time to get drunk, yell at a television screen, and claim that America is the best at everything. Granted, the drunker they get, the more they compare soccer to American football in an endless debate about which is a more trying and athletic sport while everyone around them is like, “who cares?” but hey, at least they’re cheering for the Americans and that’s all that matters.
3. The “I lived abroad for a semester so I totally get futbol” person
It’s not soccer. It’s not even football. It’s fUTE-bol. They will tell you stories about their time living in Europe and how futbol was “such a big part of the culture there.” They will cheer for USA, but cheer even louder for the team that represents the country they lived in for one semester. They will smugly talk about how Americans don’t know the kind of athleticism that goes into futbol and say things like, “America is the only country in the world that doesn’t care about futbol, god, how American is that?” You will respond and be like, “Uh, Brian, you studied in London for like five months, you’re still an American.” And Brian will be all, “Yeah, but I left my heart at Westminster Abbey.” And you’ll be all, “I’m done with this friendship.”
4. The “I’m watching this purely for physical reasons” person
They are gay men and women watching because men who play soccer are the most attractive human beings on the planet and they have their damn heads on straight. The World Cup is merely eye candy on a soccer field and who can blame them? You may not know Cristiano Ronaldo’s stats, but you sure as hell know he’s one of the best looking athletes alive.
5. The “Meh, this is a thing to make fun of on social media” person
This person is like, “I don’t care about anything that’s happening except to make fun of what’s happening!” They are watching solely as a means to get favorites and retweets on their pithy, witty, “I’m too cool for soccer,” 140-character jokes. All their jokes are premised on the fact that they are too cool to know anything about soccer, even though they all probably played soccer when they were young. They are upset that their normal tweets about how life is better when drinking have been hijacked by an athletic event they now have to claim to know nothing about, even though we all know they do. It’s a hard life.