The sky is blue! The grass is green sometimes if it rains a lot! Pizza is delicious! Puppies are cute! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were just stating obvious things?
Is this true? Is this what heaven is like? It’s just a constant repeat of what we do in our daily lives? If so, let’s go eat cake, dance until sunrise, and have a lot of sex.
I just… I don’t… I don’t think that’s true. You’re going to need a lot more than sunshine and the color pink to make ANYTHING possible. I mean, what kind of pink are we talking about here? Is it just a paint swatch of the color pink? Yeah, that’s not going to do anything.
Never need a man. Make him need you. Equality!!!!!!
Uh, a million men? Now, that just seems excessive and unnecessary. Also, cool message here, bro. A woman needs only one man to tell her she’s beautiful, not a million. That’s better!
But, maybe try to be more than just those two things. Smart? Well-read? Compassionate? Interesting? No? Just classy and fabulous? Mmmkay, alrighty then.
Is there a job that requires me to do the following: refresh Twitter, stare at a wall, make a sandwich, watch an episode of Friends, text my best friends in only emojis, post a selfie to Instagram, eat a bowl of grapes, chat on gchat for 3 hours, have a glass of wine, question my entire existence…? And, how much does it pay? Here’s my resumé. I am fully qualified for that position, thank you.
Are these metaphorical caterpillars? Are we, as people, the butterflies in this metaphor? What does this meannnnnnnnnn? Who’s killing the metaphorical caterpillars? I have so many questions!!!!
But actually, don’t, because this advice is very impractical. The laundry list of things we’d all do if we truly lived like today was our last day on Earth would create chaos. Nothing would get done!
Ok, so, logistically-speaking here, how do I know where my comfort zone ends? Is it at the end of a Netflix marathon? Is it pizza? Is the end of my comfort zone pizza? Sure, going with that.
Directly aimed at those people who are just peachy being miserable and sad. It’s great fun at the bottom of this hole of despair! If only I could just want to be happy more. Oh well, looks like it’s misery for me forever!
Why are tigers and sheep hanging out together anyway? Am I the metaphorical tiger in this situation? Who’s the sheep? I feel like it’s ill-advised for tigers and sheep to be hanging out, namely because a tiger will literally kill all the sheep and have a great night’s sleep. Tigers don’t care about anyone’s opinion because THEY ARE TIGERS.
Ah yes, how could I be so careless? Wallet, keys, phone, BE AWESOME. Got it.
Who the hell else could I possibly be? I’m not at Hogwarts. There’s no Polyjuice Potion. I am stuck with me whether I like me or not!
All of us peons are wondering where this magical land is where work never feels like work and we are making so much money and always are excited and CHOOSING HAPPINESS and loving what we do every moment. Where is this magical fairy land filled with stardust and unicorns? TAKE ME TO THERE.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!!!!!!!!
I GUESS THAT’S TRUE BUT HOW DOES THIS HELP ME??????????
Honestly? Fuck off.