1. The people you used to get super drunk with and have all the shenanigans with are now responsible for their own human beings and you’re like, wait, Marie is pregnant? Marie, who threw up in a bush outside of a frat house and then rallied for the next three hours? Good luck to Marie’s fetus!
2. The person who always had weed and would smoke you out at any time you requested, no matter what time it was, now works at Wells Fargo and wears suits and you’re all, uh, this person’s job is to handle people’s money? Oh, how times have changed.
3. Your couch is not from IKEA, which is a feat in of itself, because for the longest time you didn’t think a store outside of IKEA actually sold couches or furniture.
4. …but your pillows, area rug, and coffee table are from IKEA, so you were close to fully actualize your adulting, but not quite.
5. Most days you are beyond diligent about doing the dishes (go you!), but there’s always that rogue day when you’re like, life is harddddddd, I quit, and you leave the dishes in the sink ’til the morning only to wake up and hate yourself because now it’s 7am and you have to do the dishes.
6. You’re not so much into discovering new music. In fact, most days you wrack your brain for music you used to like and when you find it on Spotify, you’re like, yep, this hits the spot, take me home, “Crash” by DMB.
7. You’ve gotten to the point in your life where you are no longer ashamed of your undying love for early 2000s pop, to the point where you defend it and you’re like, “Man, they just don’t make songs like *N SYNC’s ‘Bye Bye Bye’ anymore, do they?”
8. It has been long enough that you’ll start to recycle TV shows back into your life just to reminisce about your Young Years.
9. You’re starting to identify years that were only two years ago as your Young Years.
10. You’ll watch reruns of Full House and kind of feel like this wasn’t kid-approved and can get pretty dirty.
11. You pay for cable and HBO, but you still watch all your shows on your iPad while lying in bed in the pitch black, like the college student you are at heart.
12. Your hangovers are so bad that you’re at the point where you either need to drink more frequently to adjust your body to alcohol again or you need to quit binge drinking all together, but you are not quite ready to do the latter and the former just sounds exhausting.
13. You’ll grocery shop to your heart’s delight, reorganize your fridge, display your bounty beautifully, but then be so tired from all that adulting that you’ll order delivery.
14. If you’re a woman and you’re not pregnant, you start to understand the very real reality of how biology works and realize that your eggs are actually diminishing, but then you’re like, wait, I really, really am not ready for kids and how has anyone in the history of life been ready for kids?
15. You go out, perhaps to the club, and you get the very real sense that you may actually stick out as the person who is trying too hard to fit in with the cool young people.
16. Then, walk into the club like I’M OLDDDDDD AS FUCK.