1. The “It doesn’t matter if I say anything rude, because it’s constructive criticism” commenter.
Look, I appreciate that you “normally hate lists, but this one isn’t so bad!” But, did I ask for your opinion? I understand you’re trying to be helpful in a roundabout way, maybe in your own weird kind of jerky way, but hey, I’m good. I’ve pored over the piece you’re criticizing 10 times over and I was nervous to put it out on the internet, so maybe just read it and leave your criticisms to yourself? Is that possible? Cool, glad we had this talk.
2. The “I didn’t even read this, but based on the title of this piece, I hate you” commenter.
I get it, you’re having a shit day and something in the title of the post you glanced at really got to ya. We’ve all been there. But, most of us can have enough self-control to just X out of the tab and go on with our shit day. But, you, you’re a rare breed of Internetter, and it seems impossible for you to X out of a tab without first projecting your shit day all over the comments. We’re cool, you and me, and maybe next time keep in mind that I spent 20 minutes coming up with a bunch of titles that were all pretty bad before landing on one that wasn’t completely terrible. Sorry it offended you. Hope your day gets better.
3. The “I looked at your picture and you’re too _______ to write something like this, so I need to speak my mind about how I don’t like you as a human being” commenter.
I’m sorry the very existence of my face angers you in a way I can’t comprehend. Would it be better if my picture was ugly? If I was less blonde? I know you may not think of this, but I’m a human and I choose the best picture of myself to accompany my posts. I can see your point, though. I do kind of suck for having the audacity to choose a flattering picture of myself to partner with a piece of writing I’m proud of. My bad.
4. The “I’m going to correct your grammar and point out your minor typo” commenter.
I understand. You’re a Concerned Citizen of the World Wide Web, a vigilante hero trying to make the internet a more grammatically-correct, less typo-ridden place, but maybe stop? Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to go in and update my post to correct the typo, but it’s just a hassle and a drag on my day. I’m writing other things! I got shit to do, places to be. I’m not trying to get my doctorate here. I’m cool with a grammatical error or a typo here and there. Just, chill or maybe get a job editing if it’s your life’s passion. Probably a better use of your time.
5. The “I’m going to take this opportunity to say some nasty nonsense that has nothing to do with this post” commenter.
To be honest, my first thought when I read your comment was, “Are you a sociopath?” My second thought was, “Do you know where I live?” You’re unsettling! Did you read the post? Why are you talking to me about the Zeitgeist when I published a post about kittens? I don’t understand and my confusion is leading me to think you could potentially come and find me and kill me.
6. The “I’m a dude who hates this post about women so I’m going to suggest the author do something sexual to me as payment for making me read this” commenter.
I’m sympathetic to the fact that it’s a confusing time to be a man right now. (It’s a confusing time to be a woman, too, just a heads’ up there, bud.) But, no, when I write a post about feminism, I don’t need your penis anywhere near my body to “shut me up.” I’m fine over here without your penis anywhere in my vicinity. In fact, considering the mood you’ve just put me in because of your vile comment, I’d highly recommend your penis stay far away from me, lest I do something tragic to it, like kick it with the toe of my combat boot.
7. The “I can’t even believe I wasted my time reading this entire post, so I’m going to use my time to tell you I wasted my time” commenter.
You’re a breed of person I don’t understand. Just exit the tab and go on your way! Don’t waste any more of your precious time on my writing. I’m sure you’re a busy, important person who has lots of better things to do with your time. Go get at those things!
8. The “My best comment to you is that you and this post are stupid” commenter.
Sick burn, bro.
9. The “here’s my counter-argument that makes no sense and rambles for longer than the actual post” people.
Cool, I’m glad my post inspired something in you, but I want you to know that it’s possible for you to condense your counter-point into a paragraph, versus the 800 words you used here. Furthermore, I know this may be hard for you to grasp, but it is certainly possible for opinions other than your own to exist on the internet. You don’t have to spend an hour rambling on trying to convince me of your point-of-view. I know! It’s a crazy concept that you probably haven’t thought of. You’re welcome.
The “I would never say this to your face, but since I’m behind a computer, I’ll take out all my aggression on you” commenter.
To be honest, I think this is every commenter wrapped up into one. SAY IT TO MY FACE, INTERNET. But, don’t. Because, if on the off-chance you did say any of this stuff to my face, I’d probably cry and that would just be awkward.