Spoiler alert to this entire post, but honestly, you bitches need to start watching Scandal as soon as it airs. Get it together.
To preface this post, I will say that I relentlessly pray at the temple of Shonda Rhimes. She is my spirit animal, my patronus, and my True Detective of life. I would chase a squirrel for ten hours if it meant she’d be pleased with me, so if you crazies think I’m bashing Scandal, GTFO. In the words of Shonda, goddess among us mere mortals: “I make stuff up for a living. Remember, it’s not real, okay? Don’t tweet me your craziness.”
Without further ado, nine things Olivia Pope needs, like, right this (fucking) second…
1. To sit down and take a fucking deep ass breath
Liv, you’re the most stressed out character on television. Watching you being stressed makes me stressed. And sometimes when I’m watching Scandal I have to hit pause and take a few deep breaths, so I suggest pausing your crazy, batshit insane life and taking some air into those lungs. No matter how many breaths you take, your ridiculous heart-attack inducing life will still be there for you to fuck up even more than you already have. Cheers!
2. A hearty meal
Thank you Jake, for pointing out what we have been saying for three seasons. HOW IS THIS WOMAN SUBSISTING OFF RED WINE AND POPCORN? I’ve tried this diet – the red wine and popcorn diet – and you can be certain that 1) my skin did not glow like unicorn tears were infused in it, as Olivia’s face does; and 2) I had to eat at 3 AM when I woke up starving for anything I could stuff in my face.
3. A dance party
I feel like she needs to go hang with some people outside of DC for an episode, chug down shots of tequila and just dance some shit out. Your boyfriend is the Leader of the Free World? SHOT! Your father wants to kill you and your mother? SHOT! Your friends are criminals, runaways, and professional assassins who are addicted to murder? SHOT! Then, put on some Spice Girls and watch the stress leave your body, Liv. JUST GIVE IN TO “WANNABE.”
4. To stop saying Fitz is the “Leader of the Free World”
It’s straight up douchey.
5. A really good security system
So, right, she’s like in danger every second. At any point, there’s at least ten people who want to kill her. And yet, it seems she leaves her door unlocked at all times and just generally seems really carefree about the threats on her life. Maybe this is what a diet of red wine and popcorn gets you: FEARLESSNESS IN THE FACE OF LOOMING AND IMMINENT DANGER.
6. To stop trying to get Fitz reelected
Are you dumb, girl? Have you lost your goddamn mind? Fitz is THE WORST. If the phrase “the worst” were in Wikipedia, the only thing you would see on the page is a picture of Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III. I mean, he’s the worst boyfriend, the worst husband, the worst father, the worst friend, and all-around, the worst human being. All while he was supposedly “leading the country,” he was downing straight not-even-on-the-rocks scotch, whining about his love for you, and treating everyone around him like they’re garbage on the bottom of his $500 shoe. You know what’s the opposite of being a good president to the millions of Americans he says he dutifully serves? EVERY ACTUAL THING HE DOES EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. It’s a sad day in fake America when I’d prefer murderer nutso Sally Langston over dumb dumb Fitz.
7. A best girl friend
Dude, Liv, where ya girls at? You are not an island! You need someone to talk to, like in the worst way. I understand it’s hard to trust people, what with every single person in your life backstabbing you at one point or another, but you gotta try. Because, girl, GIRL, you have got to talk some shit out. I feel like if you talk out what’s going on in your life you may want to make some intense changes. Because the best thing about having a girl friend is that when you tell them about what’s going on with you, saying it out loud makes it real and when you say out loud what’s going on with you, you’re gonna be like, how did I get here, what am I doing, and let’s go run away to Cabo.
8. Sassy Gay Friend to lay some knowledge down
Sassy Gay Friend would never stand for any of the nonsense you’re dealing with right now, Liv. He’d be like, WHAT… WHAT… WHAT ARE YOU DOING. You are done with Fitz, Jake is fine as fuck, so go with that, or maybe DON’T, maybe date someone who isn’t a murderer. Maybe be alone. Maybe just go dance by yourself for a while. Maybe channel your inner Robyn and dance alone in the dark. Maybe swear off men for like an episode. Maybe find some decent human whom you can enjoy a meal with. Maybe find a guy who will massage your shoulders without asking you to compromise your values. Maybe for once stop answering that horrible phone Fitz makes you carry around. Throw that shit away. Use an iPhone, have some decency!
9. Some color!
Hey Liv, have you noticed that everything in your life, from your apartment to your clothing to your POPCORN, is aggressively neutral-toned? How can you expect your life to be full of joy and color if you can’t even get them on your person? Do you even want joy? Have you ever smiled in your life? Oh and do you have a car? I bet your car is white, too. Except we’ve never seen you drive, can you not drive, Liv? Do you take taxis everywhere? Do you put on your makeup, bathe yourself, eat a granola bar on your way out of the apartment in the morning? How do you look the way you do with what seems like minimal effort? ARE YOU AN ALIEN?
HOW DO YOU EXIST WITH THE HABITS YOU CURRENTLY HAVE?