For quite some time now, I’ve had this immature notion of hating the things that hurt me. I’m not exactly sure, but I feel like this comes as a sort of defense mechanism in order for myself not to get hurt. Yes, I am afraid of pain. I don’t think anyone would like to experience pain just because. Past experiences have definitely played a large part in this fear. It’s not a joke to get hurt. Being so emotional, I find that I get hurt a little easier, a little quicker, and (sometimes) a little deeper than others.
When you experience pain — and I don’t mean pain from getting a wound or a scratch, or pain from stress and body aches — when you experience the sort of pain that wakes you up from your sleep, the one that rips your soul and tears it to a million pieces, the kind that keeps you up at night, crying the life out of yourself and surrendering every part of your being into whatever there is – the universe, oblivion?, to Him – when you experience the kind of pain that envelops you in darkness, unable to see light and thinking that you never will… When you experience that kind of pain, it’s not easy to venture out into the world and experience new things and meet new people and love.
It’s not easy to trust fully again. It feels frightening trusting anyone or anything other than yourself and your experiences — because that is what you know and once you’re hurt again or you think you’re about to get hurt, you shut off your emotions, your thoughts. Because it’s easier not to care, right? No emotions, no pain.
Someone once told me, “It’s not about not caring. It’s about making peace with it.”
And at first I was like, “What the hell? You expect me to make peace with that/him/her? How the hell am I supposed to that?” Because it’s simply unacceptable. No can do.
But looking back (or actually, looking straight into) the things that hurt me, I realized that it would require great understanding to accomplish this insanely big task. It would require maturity, and handling your emotions, and most importantly, acceptance.
Acceptance is such a big word for me. Acceptance is like swallowing a giant jawbreaker down your throat. I think that would be the best metaphor that I could give right now. Slowly, over time, the jaw breaker melts and slowly (very slowly) becomes smaller and easier to swallow. And I guess that is how things really are. Of course, with it comes the respect towards yourself because you have to realize that the trouble and anxiety that you feel or are putting yourself through is not really worth what you are.
I admit, there will be times when your emotions will overwhelm you — this is normal. However, it’s how we react to these emotions that will make the difference. Try to figure out why you are feeling that way and what exactly is causing that. Sometimes, the reality of the reason is hard to acknowledge, but to do this is a start. For me, it’s usually insecurity and actually realizing that I tend to compare myself to others because I don’t see my worth. Acknowledging that is hard, but it’s where I was able to start. And from there, I started to value who I am, my capabilities, and my strengths.
I know all these sound really difficult to do, but it’s possible. It really is. It’s not an easy task to accomplish right away and it’s going to take A LOT OF CONSCIOUS EFFORT to actually be able to make peace with something or someone, but it’s really worthwhile and worth the effort because it’s only going to make you stronger, freer, and happier.
So here’s to moving on, making peace, and living in peace.