We have the power to decide who deserves our words and how we express ourselves. Too many times I never said what I wanted to, when I need to, to you. That’s the first, and biggest, mistake I made in our relationship.
But I made others and now I’m not sure I’ll ever have a chance to correct them or truly apologize to you for the hurt I caused. Sometimes people don’t understand that they can be the toxic one in a relationship and I played that role a few times.
Too often I worry that I ruin relationships before they start because it is easier than admitting I could genuinely care about someone. I know that’s what happened here because I made sure it did. It was easier for me to pretend that I didn’t care than risk my heart for you.
That’s my biggest regret.
But I have other things I did and words I said that I wish I could take back now. Or at least should have apologized for at the time. Because I know I intentionally hurt you and that’s the worst thing anyone could do.
You don’t get all my apologies today but here are some that I owe you.
I should have said sorry for making you feel as though you were never good enough.
I should have told you I was wrong when I would do things I knew would hurt you to spite you – and I know I’m wrong to do these things to this day.
I should have apologized sooner when I knew I fucked up instead of waiting because I knew it would be hard to admit I was wrong.
I should have said sorry when I hung up the phone that first time after you told me you didn’t appreciate it.
I should have told you I was wrong when I blamed you for how I was feeling.
I should have apologized every time I left you on read because it was an easier, passive-aggressive way to show you I was angry than actually talk it out.
I should have said sorry every time I didn’t pick up the phone when I knew you were calling because I couldn’t handle hearing you talk about someone else.
I should have told you I was wrong for the way things ended between us.
I know in my heart that I have things that went unspoken and I’m sure you do too but it doesn’t matter anymore. Neither of us are making the conscious effort to do something about it – and that says more than our words ever could.