To The Men That I Have Hurt While Trying To Find Myself

To all of the men I’ve hurt in the past few months. It wasn’t you, it was me. I know it sounds so cliché but I thought I was ready to be with someone but I wasn’t.

See, I met someone over two years ago and I fell in love with him. This summer, I broke his heart and broke my own in return. I’m not saying I regret it, I may regret my actions toward him, but it takes time to heal. I’m still trying to get the images of his and my relationship out of my head, they haunt me like ghosts in my sleep. I can’t stop picturing his face when we ended things; it breaks my heart in my dreams.

Unfortunately, this is a side effect of falling in love with someone. And if you immediately jump into something you will inevitably hurt the next person in one way or another. When it comes to you, I thought I was ready to date someone but the moment I got close to someone, I ended up running off. I stopped answering phone calls, text messages and just dropped off the planet. I usually blamed work if you caught me at some point, but I’m actually really good about keeping in contact when I’m away. In fact, I have the habit of keeping in contact with the wrong person when I’m traveling.

So that leaves me here, completely open in front of you, feeling so naked. While I am single and I complain about it sometimes, I’m not really ready to date someone who is ready to date me. I’m scared of what might come out of being in another relationship. I’m even more scared of doing what I did to my last boyfriend again. I’m also not willing to settle unless it’s completely right for me. So yes, I will nit pick right now at every little thing you do to try and figure out something that’s wrong. Or I’ll just completely look for the wrong guy who I know will not commit to me. It’s almost easier to be hurt again then to accept the love that I could receive from you.

This whole thing is so I don’t have to admit to myself that I’m not ready to date; yet here I am admitting it to everyone. I still love the person whose heart I broke, and I always will. Even though we weren’t right for one another. And I need to let it go before I can be open to give you that same love you so clearly deserve.

So, next time you see me, smile and say hey. I’ll gladly share some friendly conversation with you. Just know, my heart is not ready for you and you deserve to be with someone who is ready. Just like I deserve to heal from my own loss.

I’m just going to do me until that “aha” moment happens. I’m going to listen to depressing music, and eat pizza while crying about Ross and Rachel breaking up during friends re-runs some days. Other ones I will look like nothing happened, hair done, smile on my face, and vodka soda in hand at a club. Unfortunately, It could take days, months or years, but please don’t wait for me.