It’s Not My Turn To Be In Love

Anastasia Yankovskaya
Anastasia Yankovskaya

How do I not love you? How do I forget you?

Right at this very moment, I don’t have the exact answers to my question. If someone could tell me how, believe me I would heed it. You are the reason for my constant loneliness, feelings of sadness, and what ifs. Not exactly the one that got away, but more of I thought I found The One. I was done, and I wanted to settle down. I never expected that our paths would even cross at such an early time. Yet, looking back – you were just one of those lessons that I needed to learn the hard way.

It’s heartbreaking, now that I think about it. Months have passed and I still remember every single detail about you, no matter how small it is. Never did I expect that you’d become so important to me.

Just watching you from afar, I could feel my heart bursting from the excitement.

The way you walk towards me – I try my best to stay calm, even when it’s quite impossible. When you sit closely, all I could think of is how it feels like to kiss you, and feel your lips against mine. Whenever you look at me, your gaze making sure that I will also stare back and long enough. When you speak, and how you make everything sound so damn good. Seeing how you write makes my heart skip a beat, wishing I could watch you all day long. Oh, how could I also forget your precious smile? When you do, the world simply gets better. Everything feels lighter, and I find myself smiling back at you. Suffice to say, I am lost in you – in everything that you do, in all that you are. I wouldn’t want it in any other way.

So tell me, how could I clearly forget everything that made me feel alive?

Each day, I wake up thinking of you – wondering if you even think of me too. Call me foolish, but how do I unlove someone like you? The man of my dreams, the one I wanted to marry, to wake up to every morning, to love and build a family with. The man I have prayed for the longest time – is unfortunately already married to someone he loves dearly. There’s nothing I can do but wish them well, while I take my time in accepting the reality.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention to destroy happy marriages, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t be disappointed.

Just when I thought that the love of my life has finally arrived, that all the waiting and praying paid off – who am I kidding? It’s not my turn yet. This whole situation is probably a wake up call to focus on self-improvement, develop new hobbies, take on challenges, travel the world, and make more memories… while I patiently wait for the man that will say, “I finally found you.” TC mark

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