Girls can be tricky and mysterious, so I thought I’d lend a helping hand to you gentlemen in need of some guidance. Follow these steps to get the girl(s) you’re smitten with to fall helplessly into your lap.
There are only two types of communication that are acceptable via texting: You should either text her three times minimum before she has the chance to take a bite of her lunch OR not respond for three days. It’s science.
Whoa, buddy, we’ve only been seeing each other for four months; do NOT call me and ask me how my day was—that’s way too personal and will result in you in fact only being a buddy. Phone calls should be avoided in general.
Tell her you deleted your Tinder.
But don’t! Make sure you’re still active and thriving on your pursuit to find something better on the Tinder wheel—because there’s a 99% chance your soul mate is on there, and the girl you’re seeing wouldn’t want to stand in the way of fate, would she?
Avoid letting her meet your friends at all costs. The more secretive the “relationship,” the better and more comfortable we are.
Speaking of relationships, don’t label it—ever. Beat around the bush, say your dog died, you had an allergic reaction to pizza…do whatever it takes to avoid that conversation. We’re more afraid of commitment than we are of ruining our favorite dress by throwing it in the wash instead of hand-washing it as instructed.
Definitely follow at least three new girls on Instagram a day; that way it can pop up on her Instafeed and let her know that you’re seeking out other options, because the thought of us being the only girl you’re interested in will make us run for the hills—oh, and the bigger the fake boobs the Instachicks have, the better.
If we’re knocking socks with you, please don’t tell us if you’re seeing anyone else, sleeping with anyone else, or what your future intentions are with our undefined non-relationship. We would rather search the dictionary for synonyms than know that unimportant information.
The more of a mystery you are and the more frustrated we get, the harder we fall. Gravity.
I repeat: A girl will only let herself be vulnerable to you and let her guard down if you’re seeking out multiple class-act ladies at the same time as you are pursuing her.
You can thank me later.