Infinite Mornings

You make me feel like I have infinite mornings.

Like if I happen to mess up hard the previous day, I’ll still have all the chances in the world to make things right when I wake up. You make me feel like I am already good, and the only thing left to do is to become better. I feel like things are more bearable with you, you know? Like if I happen to destroy my life beyond recognition, I can stay strong knowing that I have it in me to fix what I have broken. You make me feel invincible in my weakness.

Sometimes when I think about how much you love me, I get this irrational urge to go out and find for you your perfect match. I feel like there must be someone out there who deserves you more than I do, who can give back as much as you do, to provide what I cannot. There are days when I look at the two of us and wonder if I am just here for practice, to help you get so good at loving so that the moment she finally appears, I can make my inevitable quiet exit and wish you two all the best.

Why does love this pure make me feel unworthy sometimes? Is it okay to feel like this? What if you realize you’ve been with the wrong person all along? What have I done to deserve this? Everything about you feels so right, I can’t help but think that I must be the misplaced factor in this equation.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, and I don’t mean to imply that you make me feel bad about myself. I really don’t. It’s just that being loved like this makes me nervous sometimes because I’ve always believed that there’s no such thing as a free meal. I’ve always believed that I have to work for things to deserve them. I have to work for affection, for care, for all the good things because they will not fall out of thin air. Because of this, I keep expecting a catch, a condition, a debt collector knocking on my door any day now. But there isn’t any, is there? You make me feel so happy it’s almost scary.

After everything, the kind of love you have given me still feels like a challenge. It makes me want to be a shinier version of me, to look and think and act the best I can. You make me feel secure enough to try without being scared that I might fail. I know you will love me anyway. That makes me want to make you proud, to be worth all the trust and faith you’ve placed in me.

Slowly and steadily, you have taught me how to accept good things without thinking that I have to pay for them.  I have learned that sometimes love just arrives without warning and explanation, and when it does, all questions are rendered unnecessary and even unanswerable. Maybe we’re just supposed to receive it, embrace it, and be amazed by it. What else can we do in the face of such a privilege?

I have no misguided fantasy of a happy ever after. There might come a time when you will get tired, or I will outgrow you, or the changes will be too much for the both of us. All goodbyes are possible, but it also means that we have a fighting chance.

This is not a fairy tale and there is no guarantee that it will be, but just for today, I feel humbled and thankful to have known reality as good as this is. TC Mark

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