Craigslist Roommate Wanted, Ad Edited For Honesty

Craigslist Ad, Edited For Honesty

Original

Hey! I’m a twentysomething girl who works in marketing and is looking to find a roommate to replace my awesome current one in my Upper East Side apt. She’s moving out to live with her boyfriend — damn her! The apt is located close to the 4,5,6 and a quick walk to the park. It’s a good-size, with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. We have a full kitchen and a decent-sized living space. Everything is already furnished, and my roommate is only taking some of her kitchen stuff with her.

The room is big enough to fit a queen-sized bed and dresser. The room is wired for cable and internet and has its own A/C unit. The rent is $1300, utilities come to approximately $100/person per month. Please make at least 40x the rent or have a guarantor. No pets, drugs or smoking please!

About Me

As I said, I’m a twentysomething who works in marketing who enjoys the occasional night out but I definitely don’t take the party home. Occasionally I’ll have a few friends over for drinks but nothing crazy. I work 9-7ish and have some after work commitments as well. I love good movies, concerts, exploring new restaurants and brunches with friends. I’m tidy but not obsessively so. No chore wheels or anything like that. I don’t cook so the kitchen would be all yours!

About You

I’m looking for a female of similar age and with a steady 9-5 job. I’d like for us to be on the same schedule. Please no constant overnight guests, and I will do the same. I don’t care how clean you are so long as you keep the common spaces tidy and pay rent on time. We don’t have to be best friends but I’d also like to find someone who I can sit and have a glass of wine with at the apt.

Let me know if this sounds like a fit, and we can schedule some time for you to come see the place!

Translation

Hey! I’m a twentysomething girl who occasionally works in marketing but usually spends the day Facebooking her exes and stalking Buzzfeed for inspirational pug articles. I also really, really wish I could be living alone but to live anywhere that isn’t a known crack den, I’d have to be making approximately $50k more than I currently do, and SO WE MEET AGAIN, CRAIGSLIST.

The person you’d be replacing is a nice girl who got extremely clingy toward her boyfriend of two seconds. Kind of a pain in the ass because we leased this place with the intention of staying for a while but I can’t blame her for getting into a clingy relationship (I’m probably gonna anyway). The apt is located on 105th street which I will fail to mention until you’re already on your way and need specific directions. It’s not actually that close to the subway at all unless you consider the 2nd avenue subway that will be finished in 2017 — then yes, def close to the subway. It’s a converted 2-bedroom so don’t get too excited, and yes, you’ll definitely be in the converted bedroom. Sure, you have a temporary wall and no closet but I mean, who doesn’t love a good walk drenched from the shower into the living room to get their underwear? Even better when we have unexpected company, I promise you that. The kitchen is full if you consider a mini-fridge and three cabinets “full” which, in NYC, kind of is. Everything is furnished and by furnished I mean came from my mom’s basement and/or IKEA clearance and is at least four years old and the couch cushions have been flipped over WAY too many times than is considered hygienic by city ordinance but who’s counting, amirite?! Does the kitchen table sometimes break? Yes, but I mean, at least we have a kitchen table. This is New York. If you’re not eating in your living room slash bedroom slash bathroom, you’re practically a millionaire so DON’T COMPLAIN TO ME, OKAY GURL.

No pets (except pugs and if you have one of those, maybe you could just drop off the dog and leave?), no smoking (this is 4 realz), no drugs (unless it’s pot and you’re letting me have some too because friendship.)

The room is big enough to fit a queen bed and that’s the end of the sentence. The rent is $1,300 now but it may increase if (when) they raise our rent for the upcoming year. Utilities definitely come to more than $100 but if I explained to you the unnecessary complexity of my cable package, it would make you immediately not want to live with me, so I will save that for later discussions.

About Me

I enjoy the occasional night out, but I don’t take the party home unless I overestimate the amount of whiskey in those tea cups at Back Room and wind up doing exactly that. If I’m not bringing the party home, I’m definitely bringing home a large Dominos’ pizza and/or various flavors of Lays Ruffles so hope you like fourth meal. On the nights that I don’t go out, I am lurking around the apartment in mismatching sweats DVRing every episode of Criminal Minds while guzzling orange juice from the carton and playing Scramble With Friends (with my mom). Some of my other interests include: Animal Planet’s “Too Cute!”, not throwing out my empty shampoo bottles, not brushing my hair, having intense phone conversations with my parents about the sex of Kate Middleton’s unborn child, and ordering a LOT of Seamless sushi. I don’t cook but I do microwave a lot of shit. Sometimes I’ll try to eat those microwaved things too quickly and burn my tongue. I’ll scream and scare you but we’ll laugh about it later. I’m “tidy” but I put that in quotes because can someone who doesn’t brush their hair ever really be considered tidy? We don’t have a chore wheel but we will have a chore wheel — and I will fucking bedazzle that chore wheel — if you forget what taking out the garbage means.

About You

I’m looking for a female of similar age and with a steady 9-5 job who doesn’t make a ton more than me and isn’t excessively attractive. I’d like to be able to have people over to my apartment without referring to you as “my hot roommate.” Please have interests that align with mine in some way — so if you are overly vested in the lives of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or are way too intrigued by E! Investigates sagas, we might be soulmates.  On the other hand, if you watch Fox News, gave any credence to the Mayan apocalypse and/or enjoy working out, please move along. No constant overnight guests or at least no more constant overnight guests than I have because you’re just making me feel bad about myself. I don’t care how clean your room is unless you’re growing new fungal species under your bed because my mom calls a LOT about black mold and I don’t want her to finally prove me right. We don’t have to be best friends but if your friends are cooler than mine I will definitely try. It’d be great if we could sit and chat over a glass of wine but I’d prefer six glasses of vodka and some spinach artichoke dip.

Let me know if this sounds like a fit, and we can schedule some time for you to come see the place. It will absolutely be less luxurious than the photos and, while nowhere near public transportation, really close to a homeless person who sometimes offers drunk people rides on his scooter and it’s like HOW DO YOU HAVE A SCOOTER so yeah, I’d say it’s worth your while. TC Mark

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