Last Saturday I was selectively browsing Tinder when I came across this gorgeous-looking girl. Naturally I looked at her bio to see if her personality was as beautiful as her face. She was into bike rides, Game of Thrones, and corny jokes. She deserved a chance, and so she got a right swipe. “You have a new match!” said the screen. My heart skipped a beat. There were butterflies in my stomach. I struck up a conversation with my best corny joke, and she replied. Things were going well as the day went on. She laughed at my jokes, and she seemed like a really nice girl. We exchanged numbers and texted each other all afternoon. I asked her if she’d ever be interested in meeting up.
Then it happened: I received a picture. It was a dark, grainy picture, and I didn’t immediately realize what I was looking at. But when I figured it out, I immediately broke contact with her, for she had sent me yet another vagina pic.
I think almost every guy in the world can relate to my woes. You meet some pretty girl online or at the bar, and you exchange numbers. You get to know her for a little while, and she seems nice. Then, without a prompt or warning, it happens: She sends you a picture of her up-close vagina, instantly killing the mood.
There are so many things wrong with the infamous “vag pics,” ladies. It’s crass, it’s crude, and it’s sexual harassment. I never asked for a picture of your vagina, so why are you sending me one? How could you be so insensitive? Didn’t you consider my feelings? No, you were too eager to show off your goods. I’m not impressed. Sure, it may be a nice vagina. It may even me an immaculate vagina. You may have the most perfect vagina in the world, but I suddenly have no desire for it the moment you send me an up-close shot of your strange.
And, ladies, why is it always the up-close shot? I want to see your face and your eyes. I want to see your smile. I want to see your whole body: shoulders, neck, wrists, knees…not just one up-close shot of one of those things. It’s the least flattering angle you could ever take of your vagina. First of all, it takes me a few seconds before I realize I’m looking at a vagina and not a hairy roast-beef sandwich. Second, vaginas are weird up-close. They are. Have you ever taken a close look at your vagina? Just forget it’s your reproductive organ or even a part of your body for a minute and just look at it. It looks like something out of an alien science-fiction movie, as if a long tentacle could lick out at any time to catch and consume unfortunate space adventurers.
Girls, stop sending vag pics. In a similar yet less common vein, stop sending up-close nipple pics as well. Most of the time, I don’t even know it’s a nipple, but rather a distant shot of a volcano on Mars.
Thank you for reading.