If you’re a single guy trying to survive the dating world, you know it can be a scary place. While there are many beautiful, nice women out there, you have to watch out for dark places where “monster women” lurk, lying in wait for an unsuspecting stud like you to wander by.
These bad boys are the stars of a single-and-seeking woman’s own horror flick. Let’s call it Monster Men: Attack of the Heartbreakers.
There are so many Monster Men out there, that I devoted a whole chapter to them (and more specifically to avoiding them) in my dating guide, The Modest Minx: A Date-For-Marriage Method For Women Who Know That Good Men Marry Class, Not Ass.
Let’s a take a look at some of these monsters you should avoid dating:
1. The Banshee
It takes very little to set off the Banshee. Perhaps you were a minute late to your date. Maybe she saw you receive a message from Cynthia (your sister). She totally caught you looking at that woman’s ass. What woman? Don’t you “what woman” her—you know perfectly well who she’s talking about; how could you not know?
Everyone knows when you’ve angered the Banshee, because the Banshee has no qualms about throwing a scene right then and there. She has no sense of shame or embarrassment. She doesn’t care that she has an audience as she screams and cries. In fact, she probably loves being the center of attention. Attempts to calm her down will only make things worse. Try to walk away and she’ll follow you, shrieking louder and louder. The only escape from a wailing Banshee is to run, run as fast as you can.
2. The Gremlin
Gremlins are cute, lovable, innocent little creatures full of warmth and cuddles. That is, until you give them something to drink. Once she’s had a drop of alcohol, the Gremlin transforms into something nasty. Suddenly she grows razor-sharp claws and teeth, and she’s ready to slit throats and gouge eyes. Incapable of handling a drink, the Gremlin becomes ugly and belligerent. She aims to destroy anything and anyone in her way in a drunk, stumbling rage.
Pre-transformation, the Gremlin looks like anyone else, so you can’t usually tell who’s a Gremlin until they’ve had a drink. When interacting with a known Gremlin, it is in your best interest to keep your Gremlin as far away from alcohol as possible.
3. The Succubus
The Succubus is known for her unnatural beauty, which attracts hapless victims into her snare. She seduces her target with her hypnotic looks while slowly sucking away their soul. The victim is often unaware that he is being devoured by the Succubus. He is under her spell, and she allows him to believe she is with him for love when truly she is there to strip him of everything he owns and everything he is.
The Succubus feeds on your soul, as well as your wallet, your time, and your tears. Eventually she will render you a mere husk of a shadow of the man you once were before leaving you to rot as she hunts for another victim.
Discarding a Succubus before she takes away everything is in your best interest but is a very difficult task for mortal men. It takes immense strength of character and willpower to reject a Succubus before allowing her to sink her claws into you. Beware the Succubus.
4. The Siren
Like the Succubus, the Siren lures victims with her beauty. She is distant at first, but she draws you in with her song. You get closer and closer, letting her fill your head with promises and sweet nothings. Then, just when you think you’ve reached this beautiful, unattainable maiden, the trap is sprung. She watches with glee as you are torn to pieces, confused and in pain. You did everything, and now you’re reaping the punishment for being so naïve.
Eventually the Siren will age and lose the looks that she uses as bait. Not even the loneliest sailor will venture near her, and she is destined to die in her self-imposed isolation. Until then, one should avoid Sirens by never falling for someone who demands to be chased and refuses to meet you halfway.
5. The Kraken
The Kraken lives in the cold, lonely depths of the deepest ocean. She waits for someone to get close enough. When she does, she latches on, never to let go. Once the Kraken attaches herself to you, it’s nearly impossible to escape. The Kraken never lets you out of her sight. She wants you all to herself as her personal plaything forever and ever.
Even if you manage to get away from the Kraken, your freedom is only temporary. She’ll find you and reel you back in sooner or later.
6. The CHUD
CHUD stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. She is a pale, frail little creature who feeds on men in order to survive. She draws men in by acting like a pathetic victim, wronged by the world and too helpless to defend herself. This behavior sends many white knights running her way, only to become her prey.
Feeding on goodwill and sympathy, the CHUD snatches every man who comes by her. Many men, thinking they were doing the right thing by helping someone in need, instead find themselves stripped from their hides and picked clean.
7. La Madremonte
La Madremonte is a creature from outside of civilization. She doesn’t believe in things like showers, soap, deodorant, medicine, or any article of clothing that isn’t made of hemp. La Madremonte is the queen of “natural.” She believes meat-eaters are the equivalent of baby-killers.
La Madremonte is easy to spot, as she is almost always a chunky white girl with dreadlocks. Her funky smell and gratuitous body hair are typically enough to deter even the most desperate of men from approaching her. Should one be foolish enough to engage La Madremonte sexually, one should bring a machete, as one is about to traverse through uncharted, overgrown lands.
IT takes on many forms, usually as a clown, but often as the greatest fear of its hapless victim. IT can appear anywhere, anytime. Nobody else can see IT except for you. Don’t bother trying to tell anyone about IT, or they’ll think you’re crazy.
IT has claimed many lives and driven many men insane. How do you defend yourself against IT?
IT isn’t real. IT is actually a giant spider-demon living deep in the sewers feeding off your fears. The more you believe in IT, the stronger IT gets.
The only way to defeat IT is to find IT in its true form and use the power of childlike belief to bring IT down, once and for all.