Social media juggernaut Facebook recently unveiled a new lineup of “reactions” to complement its tried-and-true “like” button. The five new emoji (apparently, the plural form doesn’t take the extra “s”) are designed to convey a broader range of emotions, so instead of giving your best friend a “thumbs up” when his uncle dies, you can now express your sympathies in textless, cartoon form.
While the additions of the “haha” and “angry” buttons are a good start, there are still plenty of sentiments we’d all like to share on Facebook that aren’t adequately represented by the new “reactions.” In fact, there are at least eight thoughts that all regular social media users have dwelled while skimming their feed that absolutely need to be included in the next round of buttons. Pay close attention, Mr. Zuckerberg: these proposed “reactions” are the ones Facebook users really want…
1. A “Thumbs Down” Button
The central message you want to convey? “I dislike not only your post, but your opinion on this specific topic, your worldview in general, and frankly, the totality of who you are as a human being.”
Let’s face it: some of our Facebook friends are the most annoying, irritating and infuriating people on the planet, and this “reaction” is the perfect way to let them know that their post, photo, link, perspective, ideology and mere existence is just flat-out “W-R-O-N-G” with a capital “W.”
2. A Shaking Head
The central message you want to convey? “The only thing more frustrating than your fundamentally flawed and short-sighted post is that you felt the need to publicly display it.”
We all know at least two or three people who try to promote incredibly skewed beliefs on Facebook – usually, in the form of memes or videos that can be thoroughly discredited after two minutes of Googling. This button lets you express your disappointment and publicly shame your offending friends for the unforgivable trespass of passing off erroneous information as factual. This one would be really handy come election season.
3. A Question Mark
The central message you want to convey? “What you posted is so dumb, pointless or confounding that deciphering your intent is literally impossible.”
Everybody’s got at least one friend who prides him or herself on routinely posting cryptic comments or sharing photos or videos with virtually zero contextual significance. The question mark button allows you to chastise your friends for their incoherence, vagueness and ambiguity – and if you have any friends who went to an arts school, you’ll probably be using it a ton.
4. Crossed Fingers
The central message you want to convey? “I want to give the appearance that I publicly support you, but deep down I hate your guts.”
For all the Machiavellians out there, this button gives you the ability to feign interest, support, solidarity, sympathy or comprehension of someone’s post, when deep down, you can’t stand the person in question and merely want to look friendly in the eyes of third parties. The trick? While that user sees that you “liked” his or her post, all of your “in the know” friends see the international sign of betrayal instead.
5. An Exclamation Point
The central message you want to convey? “I genuinely can’t believe you are posting this, you vindictive, attention-seeking cretin.”
An offshoot of the newfangled “angry” button, this variation clearly indicates that YOU are upset, outraged and ready to mercilessly pummel someone for posting indelibly inappropriate, shamelessly self-serving or outright offensive comments, images or videos. Sadly, this one will have to suffice until technology allowing you to punch someone over the Internet is invented.
6. A Squinting Face
The central message you want to convey? “I have no idea who you are, where you come from, or how we’re even tangentially connected in real life.”
For those moments when somebody you’ve never heard of has taken it upon him or herself to weigh in on something you said or posted to a mutual friend and you want to let them know … uh, who the hell are they, exactly?
7. An Awkward Smiley Face
The central message you want to convey? “I have affirmed your post solely out of the desperate hope you acknowledge my existence.”
A multifunctional button to express one’s desire to engage in further correspondence with another user without directly declaring it. So yeah, it’s pretty much the same thing as the “poke” button, but really, when was the last time anybody ever used that?
8. A Vomiting Smiley Face
The central message you want to convey: “Your post, for a litany of reasons, makes me want to puke.”
Did one of your friends post something overly sentimental or schmaltzy? How about a selfie in which foreign bodies are clearly visible in their nasal passages or stuck between their teeth? Or maybe it’s a scantily clad photo of somebody who is still a few seasons shy of being swimsuit-ready, or a picture of your parents making out? For all these disgusting displays, a barfing emoji is an absolute must. Hey, the sooner those proud parents realize their kid is uglier than sin, the better off we all are.