Picture this, my friends. You’re a policeman (or woman) and you’ve just gotten off work, you’re home and finally chillaxing in your crib, maybe you’re about to open a tasty beer, possibly even about to drink that beer you opened as people are wont to do when suddenly and completely without warning a giant goddamn tortoise breaches your home’s perimeter and sets upon you in a fit of half-shelled savagery the likes of which haven’t been seen since Leonardo jumped Shredder.

What do you do? What do you do?!

“I tried to scare it but the tortoise became very aggressive. I took a stick to chase it but it instead became more violent making me to make alarm.” 

Absolutely, sticks are indeed an option in this razor’s edged game of self defense, this blood trial. But maybe we should think bigger. After all, the African Spurred Tortoise can weigh up to 200 pounds and can live up to 150 years. It’s possible this thing’s got 100 years of fighting experience over on you. It may just be warming up to a killing stroke of it’s mouth beak. Better to pick up your fight game a bit. At least go with “big stick.”

After threatening the creature with a plastic chair, the tortoise left the policeman’s home. 

Aha, the old threaten with plastic chair move, works every time. Well done, young one, well done. See ya later tortoise, wouldn’t want to be ya. Now, about that beer…

It was then that Officer Onegiu “instinctively” pulled his firearm on the “big white tortoise”. 

Wait, what? But the chair and the scaring off…you wait until it leaves and then you shoot it? You sucker shot a tortoise?!

“As I talk now, I am still scared because it is the first time I have seen such an incident happen in my life or heard of one,” he told New Vision.

A local Christian group later prayed for Onegiu, “before burning the dead reptile to ashes,” the paper reported.

Oh my God, who are these people? Wait a second, I’ve got it. Here’s the subtitle from the source: “A policeman in Uganda has reportedly shot a tortoise dead, maintaining the reptile attacked him at his home.”

Uganda, right, the country where they teach that all homosexuals eat poop and where they’re scared of tortoises that leave your home. I’m not drinking with this guy and I hope his friends come and very slowly kick his ass.