“Whiskey is like a sexual fetish. Once you try it, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.
You think it’s gross? You said that the first time you tried beer. Look, let’s cut this bullshit. Here’s how to love whiskey…”
“A guy likes to be good at whatever he does. And since each woman’s sexuality is a mystery, we’re gonna consider lots of different tools you can use to help solve each mystery you meet. But I warn you, there is no mastery of a vagina.
You can master Tetris but you can’t master something that changes like the weather. All you get to do is enjoy teasing and pleasing them. And that’s the first step. Become a fan of vaginas.”
“The first time I lucid dreamed, I played dream soccer. I took penalty kicks over and over again in my dream, the ball flashing back to the twelve-meter mark like magic. I knew that I was dreaming, but I also felt like I was really at Emirates Stadium, out on the pitch practicing before a big match.
The funny thing about lucid dreaming is that whether you use it to go on a date with Kate Upton or for practicing soccer (or both), it opens up a world which feels entirely real but that, inexplicably, can deny the laws of physics. You can fly over Paris, climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in one hour, buy out every store on Fifth Avenue, master an instrument, or improve your penalty kicks. And, weirdly, the skills you work on in lucid dreams translate directly to real life.”
“Kiss him after you’ve finished your second cup of coffee and your hair is messily falling out of its bun from last night and the salty aftertaste of coffee still stings your lips. Kiss him before your third glass of wine. Kiss him after you’ve finished writing your psych essay.
Shut your Macbook, look up and see him with glasses perched on the halfway point of his nose, trying to read about synapses for his exam tomorrow. Kiss him before his exam. Kiss him after his exam.”
“$2 here or $5 there may not seem significant in the moment, but think about how that adds up over time. This is such a scummy way to swindle people of a few dollars, so we should refuse to use any ATM that’ll cost us, no matter how convenient it would be.
Even if you can afford it, it’s the principal, which is why I’ll go to great lengths to find another method of acquiring my money, even if it means using $2-5 worth of gas to drive to my bank.”
“If you’re reading this, you probably know. But do you know know? Sure, Chipotle is a big deal in your life. You appreciate what Steve Ells, the Steve Jobs of burrito making, has created. It’s not only a big deal, but a good deal, and you know that. But do you know how to make it the best deal? Here’s how.”
“I didn’t take care of my face for years, all through my early 20s. I shaved, slapped some Old Spice aftershave on my face and walked out into the world, horrible razor rash and all. I didn’t care. I was a man. Well, let me tell you that once you hit your late 20s the dryness, the lack of maintenance starts to cost you. Right now you think it won’t but it will especially if you throw in smoking, booze, and lack of sleep.
The trouble is that most men don’t grow up with much guidance on what to do about it. So, here’s a guide to doing your daily routine while also protecting your skin from crappy ingredients.”
“The following guidelines—directed partly toward their author, who doesn’t necessarily always view them as desirable, due to an overall confusion re existence/consciousness—ideally apply equally for everyone, unless discussed and mutually edited for whatever purpose, regardless of social status or level of influence on the internet, even if you’re interacting with someone in a career-oriented interaction that will massively benefit the person you’re interacting with more than yourself, as ‘considerateness,’ in terms of this article, preempts hierarchy-oriented behavior, an arguably ‘inherently inconsiderate’ behavior.”
“So! You’ve been born a woman who is also a horse; you’re a mutant amalgam, a centaur-type fantasy-style creature, if you will. Good for you! These are exciting times, and in these times, we all need guidance. We have advice out there for women already, sure, but where is the wisdom that today’s modern horse-woman needs? No worries. I have some wisdom for you, you modern-day-woman-horse-centaur, you.”