Rachel Hodin is hilarious. She’s got a wonderful and rare combination of self deprecation, general irreverence, an affinity for the absurd, and a dry delivery. But some readers are incredibly literal and, well, insecure. Here’s some of Rachel’s most hated on articles that were also awesome. Use them to heal your broken heart/mend your relationship with your parents.
Oh, and here’s a comment on “whitest things I’ve ever done.” Ok, I admit I think it’s pretty clever.
The semitic and evangelical tribes aligned in their mutual disdain for this loveliest of lovely humor articles about the challenges of dating Jewish boys from traditional families. And there was much butthurting. Besides, ‘Hodin’ is a Jewish name. Highlight…
And while we’re on the topic of mommy issues, their moms—in general—tend to be a deathless obstruction. A Jewish mom has this habit of creeping her way into her son’s romantic life and settling in there, firmly, like a cancerous cell. If you date a Jewish boy, you will inevitably date his mother as well. Which means you mustn’t shriek when you wake up in his apartment for a midnight snack and find her trolling the house in her underwear and without her wig. It also means you’ll spend the entirety of the relationship trying to convince her that you are a good, healthy catch for her son. And don’t be surprised if she sneaks into your apartment to steal a urine sample. She just wants to know that her little Johnny is staying clean, and could have children if he so pleased.
Title probably should have been changed to ’10 Strangers That You Don’t Know But Still Hold Unreasonable Strong Opinions About Regarding Their Attractiveness.’ Too long? Hilarious, the responses in this one reminded me of all the people defending Scott Walker for boning a teenager for years. “But I like him!” Yeah, it’s you.
Speaking of Paul Walker, excerpt.
Many moons ago, Paul Walker appeared in Pleasantville and then soon after in She’s All That. Then, a zestless imposter going by the same name joined The Fast and The Furious conspiracy to monopolize the world and, to my knowledge, there has been no trace of the real Paul Walker since.
I don’t care what anyone says, these pointers needed to be shared. They’re innovative, creative, and timely. Timely in what way? Well, they exist in time, in the timestream, along with all of us. They’re universal in that way and also very funny so lighten up, buzzkills. Here’s number 6 to whet your palate. Btw, article got 74 Facebook shares. Pretty good but women in the comments shrieked against it. “It’s offensive!”
He starts utilizing your fat creases. Maybe one time he’ll try and stick his penis in one of them à la Girls Season 2 Episode 7. Or, perhaps he’ll try to swipe his metro card in one of them, hoping you can tell him how much money’s left on it.
Ever egalitarian, Rachel then went on to craft this little beauty wherein she discusses the difficulties of dating a man with an expanding waistband. Oddly enough, the impulse to bitch about men on the part of likely female readers resulted in a total of 174 Facebook shares and suddenly the apparently female majority of commenters (don’t argue, I know our demo) understood the definition of the word ‘satire.’ It’s a Christmas miracle!
Order food: He’s coming over; you’re planning on getting dinner…take matters into your own hands. Order a nice big salad and have it waiting for him when he arrives. ‘My treat,’ you can say, because it truly is a treat to not have to watch him inhale a 20-piece chicken mcnugget for dinner. Then, when you’re alone, you can let out a big ‘Muahahaha.’
As far as I can tell, Rachel gets a lot of comments being all “I can’t understand absurdist or dry humor therefore you should be banned from the internet” so it was a surprise when people also objected to a serious article with similar venom regarding the lack of Black fashion models….which is a statistical fact.
People got mad which makes no sense. You can never have enough hot Black women, er models, ever. Again, an excerpt:
Finally, there’s the concern with Vogue Italia’s “Vogue Black” section. Vogue Italia’s editor Franca Sozzani responded to the criticism saying, among many other defenses, “These sections have been created on our website to raise public awareness on often neglected themes.” But in the process of “raising awareness” on these “neglected themes,” she sort of neglected them further. The fact of the matter is that she segregated whites from blacks in a separate-but-equal kind-of-way that’s rooted in blind racism.
Take that, haters!
Now, by all means, take the time to express yourself via a well thought out and grammatically correct short essay in the comments section and please sign the guestbook on your way home.