The Government Shutdown Explained To A Hungover 25-Year-Old Male

Hey kid, wake up, it’s time for some learnin’!


So it looks like the government will in fact shut down tomorrow, October 1, since Republicans refuse to pass a clean bill that funds the government for any amount of time without putting off the implementation of Obamacare for another year…even though you can start buying health insurance through exchanges tomorrow…yeah, great timing.

But what does all that mean to a hungover 25-year-old who went out on Sunday night and got hammered on Jager-bombs, craft beer, and lemon drops in the delusional belief that partying in this way would somehow actually cause Monday not to ever arrive? Young fool, only now at the end do you understand. So lets hit the high points and see what it means to you.

Okay, the government will be shutting down but what does that mean specifically? No answer? Wake up. *Pillow strikes*. HERE is how it will affect you, you sot.

1. Federal Employees

They’re going to literally be sent home or told not to come in. I don’t know how many Federal workers are reading this, but when I was a Federal worker all the single people kind of cheered the idea of a furlough for a couple of days and all the married people who really needed the money were pissed that they were being messed with in this way.

What’s that, Hungover 25-year-old male? You’re not a Federal employee? You may not even have a job since you’ve yet to call in and lie about being sick? Fine, fine, let’s move on. We’re bound to hit something of concern here.

2. Securities and Exchange Commission

Toast! They’ll totally be shut down and you won’t be able to raise capital if you haven’t already filed with the SEC to do so. You’ll have to wait. I know, unthinkable for you.

*Goes and fills glass with cold water*

I will pour this on you, dude. I will. Also the Food and Drug Administration will have to delay anything they have ongoing…because no one will be there to continue approval/disapproval work. Okay, you don’t seem to care about that one either.

*Pours water, 25-year-old sputters awake and sits up…some cursing occurs, but I remain undeterred*

3. Contractors

Do you not understand that some government contractors will not be sent into work? They’ll be told to stay home, young fool! They’ll be told they aren’t going to be paid! What’s that, you say? It’s not a big deal?
No, no, never mind that it would take the government being shutdown for several weeks for most government contractors to actually start feeling it because the big ones are rolling in dough. Think of the principle of the thing!

4. The Courts

They’ll stay open. You’ll still have to report for that public exposure charge from last night. There was a tree like 5 feet from where you were standing. It’s your own fault.

5. Science

Actually yeah, a lot of research facilities including NASA will be shut down. I mean, I don’t think that it’s going to exactly prevent any breakthroughs from occurring but still, science is rad.

The CDC will stop tracking epidemics…that means flu season could get underway and kill us all before we know it. You don’t believe me? Fine, that probably won’t be the result. Jeez, it’s almost like you think this is an extremely dry topic or something. Too bad you weren’t drier last night. Get it you drunkard?

6. Obamacare

That’s already “paid for.” You’ll be able to sign up tomorrow and if you don’t have healthcare then you should.

Where are you going? Oh, right, the bathroom. Well, are we clear on all this now? It basically won’t affect you at all since I can’t imagine it will last over two or three days. Congress will likely come back and provide back pay to the federal employees and contractors that it forced to stay home and we’ll have lost those days of productivity by just paying over a million people to stay home for X days.

I can see by your bent over head nodding that you agree, good man! Really though? Lemon drops?! You absolutely deserve this. I’m leaving. Call me when you’ve gotten yourself together.Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – andronicusmax

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