A Sweet Guide To Achieving Manly Success, From Your Friendly Goldman Sachs Banker

You’ve been looking for this list all your life and now Business Insider has provided it to you in the form of “Goldman Sachs Guide to Being a Man.” The first thing I wondered was “is it by stealing money from US taxpayers and tanking the economy?” Cause I would have guessed that’s what it was. Of course the list is also 79 items long which just tells me that they need an editor and also don’t know how to shut up. You’re lucky, they have me to do that for them. See? Even without being paid I’m working for GS…

Note, these are not intended to be funny. They’re intended to be manly and instructional. Parenthetical commentary is mine:

  • Always carry cash.  Keep some in your front pocket. (Presumably for when you get robbed?)
  • Time is too short to do your own laundry. (Agreed, and yet here I am.)
  • When in doubt, always kiss the girl. (As dense as I am this is bad advice to give to me. I’ll be in prison in a week.)
  • A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.
 (You’re an idiot, yes it will. See below.)
  • Ask for a salad instead of fries.
 (Sensible!)
  • Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists. (That this appears as some sort of difficult goal frightens me.)
  • Piercings are liabilities in fights.  (You’ve never been in a fight ‘Ivy League’ and you never will be.)
  • Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough. 
(Of course you have, you’ve been drinking since lunch.)
  • Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
 (I’m going to kill you.)

Okay, these are all humorous and insufferable but what really freaks me out is there is absolutely zero in the entire 79 item list about working hard, discipline, or ethics unless you count not sleeping with your friend’s girlfriend and tipping well as some sort of Mahatma Ghandi life statement.

The Goldman Sachs way appears to be more about being a monstrous ass who has no life experience, drinks all the time, and pays to have everything done for them than it does anything else. No wonder they don’t care if they take all your money and bankrupt the country.

Other notables include:

  • Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you. (Hmm, possibly true.)
  • Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar. (Like Applebee’s? Great, more drinking.)
  • Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive. (Haha, amiright guys? We all hate women here, right?)
  • Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.” (I so wish you were all in Federal prison right now.)
  • Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party – provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”  (Yeah, no point in reading to LEARN anything. Just keep faking everything.)

The rest are here. Take something to settle your stomach first. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

When it comes to matters of opinion, discover some of the most intriguing, informed points of view you’ll find anywhere — at The Opinionator, from The New York Times

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