I woke up, pictured I had a gun to her head and blew her head off.
A close relative. I was upset at something she had done to me.
But then I was ashamed at being angry. I don’t really know what she is going through. Shame!
Or yesterday, I randomly was jealous of people who inherited a billion dollars. And then I was ashamed to be feeling jealousy. I’m better than that, I mistakenly thought.
I try to be perfect. I try to take the imperfections before anyone sees them and I put them in my pocket. I should NEVER be jealous, I think.
But then my pocket overflows and I’m a mess. I can’t deny it.
Jealousy or anger is like a roadmap to your insides. It’s never about the other people.
I don’t even know the other people. They have their own problems.
Jealousy is the roadmap to where I feel unloved. Maybe I feel like I can’t be loved unless I have billions. Or unless I look like a movie star. Or unless I have 20 bestselling books.
I can’t fool myself. I can’t say, “I shouldn’t be jealous of that.” Because my body will say “Tough!” I am jealous of that!
A therapist told me, “the roots of this might go way back. Might go back to your toddler years.”
That seems like a lot of work to me. And a lot of therapy sessions. Like maybe I wasn’t breast fed enough and we’ll figure that out two years from now.
Who knows? The roots of jealousy can be anything.
The one thing I can choose is not to be ashamed of it. To view it as a challenge. To accept it.
I have a problem with my relationship towards money. Thank you, jealousy, for pointing it out to me. It’s true.
I have a problem about my looks. Ever since some girl ran out screaming from art camp when I told her I liked her and she said, “NOT IN A MILLION YEARS! YOU LOOK LIKE DOG SHIT.”
Thank you jealousy. Apparently my looks were still good enough to help me meet a good woman. Maybe it’s my sense of humor.
The jealousy is unavoidable.
- View it as a roadmap to what is going on inside of you.
- It’s never about the other person.
- Jealousy is the first arrow. But the second arrow (shame, regret, etc) is what will kill you. That arrow stays in you and bleeds and infects you and never leaves.
- Ask: what’s good about your jealousy? Since every con has a pro. If I don’t have enough maybe it means I can redefine “enough”. If I don’t look so good it means I can develop my massive sense of humor. And bathe more.
- Everyone feels it. We’re human. Join the club.
- Never gossip. The other people don’t care about what you think. And what they think about you is none of your business.
- The Daily Practice I mention in my book is like a nuclear shotgun aimed at jealousy and anger. In other words, go back to sleep. And only be around people you love. Always be preaching to the choir.
- You can’t get rid of the jealousy. But you can dull it. You do that with gratitude.
Right now I feel grateful I am healthy. I went to the doctor and she told me I was the healthiest 45 and a half year old in my town. Almost. Maybe only three or four others in front of me.
I have a good view from my hotel window. And I met great new friends this week and hung out with some old ones. Considering that I have very few friends to begin with, this is a blessing.
I’m grateful I got nine hours of sleep last night.
I’m feeling blessed right now. I can breathe again.
Go ahead take a deep breath.
What small things are you grateful for this second? Can you fight jealousy with me today? Please?