Do you ever hold on to your hurt? It’s almost as if you’re willingly ushering the pain back in to your life. Do you ever find yourself purposely stirring up old memories in hopes that it will spark old emotions?
Sometimes we allow ourselves to recollect the love we had for someone, now a stranger, just to experience just how good it felt again. But the feeling doesn’t last, and it swiftly morphs into unavoidable emptiness. The type of emptiness that fills every part of you until there’s nothing but abyss.
Why do we do this? Why do we elect to walk down memory lane, when we know the unavoidable hurt that awaits us? I have a theory, and it may only apply to some, but it’s one I’ve realized applies to me. Sometimes when we experience inexplicable hurt, we would rather sit in that than chose to move on. It’s the type of hurt that’s impossible to accept, but palpable and inevitable all at once. It’s the hurt that rocks you in a way that has you reevaluating every aspect of your life.
I experienced this earth-shattering hurt. It was the kind of thing that had me sleeping 16 hours a day simply because everything else in my life had lost its allure. Now that I have moved on from it and am no longer paralyzed by the pain in my chest, I find myself choosing to let it in again. I willingly recount all the times we laughed together, woke up together, and all the dazzling plans we had for the future. Then, like clockwork, my heart again drops to the bottom of the emptiness I felt the day it all ended.
Why? Well, I’ve realized it’s this: We are so afraid to experience new pain that we choose to live in the pain we have grown accustomed to. We would rather stay in the hurt we are now comfortable in than open ourselves up to the possibility of one we have never been acquainted with. It’s a twisted attempt at self preservation, and it leaves you lonely and longing. Living in fear has done nothing for anyone beyond leading a wasted life.
Pain sucks. That wasn’t a very profound sentence, but it is what it is. Don’t close yourself off from joy simply because you’re scared of pain. Choosing to live where you’re comfortable will leave you emptier than any heartbreak will. So be thankful for the memories and the lessons,.but recognize that that is all that they are, and now it’s time to experience something new.