3 Ways To Kick A$$ In Your Family’s Easter Egg Hunt

Your family will always love you, but let’s face it: whenever you come home again, you’ve got something to prove. Your sister has the successful, slightly-smarmy new husband; your younger brother just got his varsity letter; even the dog is exercising “a lot more lately,” as your Mom repeatedly points out, with a kind of pride that used to be reserved only for your concert band awards.

What do YOU have? Well, plenty! You’re as successful as any of them, dammit – you’re more than a collection of short-term relationships, minor job accomplishments and hilarious text messages. But how do you prove it?

By kicking ass in the Easter Egg Hunt, that’s how.

It’s called “empirical evidence.” Whoever finds the most eggs wins; ipso facto, whoever finds the most eggs is the best, the most successful, and the most justified in drinking an entire bottle of wine before heading back into work on Monday.

Your family might argue that the Easter Egg Hunt is “for the kids,” or that “you’re too old,” or that Braveheart-style facepaint “isn’t necessary,” but that’s just the fear talking. You’ve got the eye of the tiger, and tigers eat bunnies for breakfast.

Here are three simple steps to win your family’s Easter Egg Hunt:

Step One: Reconnaissance

Wayne Gretzky said that a great hockey player skates to where the puck is going, and you should do the same thing with Easter Eggs. Well, maybe the skates aren’t going to help you get anywhere quickly – though they can strike sharp, gleaming fear into the hearts of your opponents – but the best way to find Easter Eggs is to already know where they’re hidden.

Before Easter Dinner, casually excuse yourself from the table with a believable old standby that won’t draw too much attention, like “I need to make a phone call” or “I’m taking Zayn Malik’s place in One Direction.” Once you’re out of sight, scour every inch of the backyard. Tall grass, knots in trees, that over-achieving dog’s doghouse – leave no leaf unturned.

Which reminds me, turn over leaves, too. Look under leaves.

Step Two: Subterfuge

Maybe your family is the Opus Dei of hiding eggs and you aren’t quite Tom Hanks enough to ferret them out. You’d think that this would be the end of your quest to become America’s Next Top Easter Egg Hunter, but you’d be wrong. You can tip the scales in your favor by flooding your basket with fake-ass eggs.

Before the Easter Egg Hunt, hard boil however many eggs you think you’ll need to handily win the competition, plus a few extra for energy, because hard boiled eggs are tasty. Dye the eggs according to your family’s Pre-Determined Spring ‘15 Pastoral Color Scheme. If your weird family doesn’t have one of those, I dunno, go with blue and green, I guess.

When the hunt rolls around, surreptitiously pull eggs from your pockets, underwear, mouth and any other convenient hiding spots, and add them to your basket. If somebody in your family comments on the dye stains covering your pants and cheeks, just slowly shake your head and mutter something about Obamacare or Big Pharma, depending on their political views.

Lots of eggs and astute commentary about current events? Now there’s a winner.

Step Three: Sabotage

The final touch is less about making sure you win and more about making sure your opponents lose. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense, and there’s nothing more offensive than mercilessly crushing your young relatives in a meaningless contest to celebrate the ultimate redemption of mankind and/or cute little bunnies.

If your pre-teen cousin seems to have a lot of eggs in his basket, throw his concentration by telling him he’s adopted. If your little niece has waddled her way towards too many eggs, tell her that you’ll carry her basket for her; then, instead of giving it back, tie her to a tree. If your parents are helping steer your nephew so he finds at least one egg, call them on it, since society is built on rules and they’re clearly wiping their asses with them.

This is Easter, dammit. It’s all about those eggs, no mercy.

Follow these steps and you’re guaranteed to finish the Easter Egg Hunt with an overflowing basket, surrounded by disappointed, angry, crying family members – otherwise known as “sore losers.” Whatever baggage you brought home for Easter, you can leave knowing that you’re a winner, seated at the top of the familial food chain. It will be clear to everyone how important winning is to you, no matter the cost, and isn’t that what every parent wants for their children?

Revel in your victory for years to come, because you’ve earned it. And also because you probably won’t be invited back next Easter.