There are moments in life when you realize that no matter how much you want to hold on, you don’t have any choice but to let go.
Today was that day for me.
Today started like any other ordinary day. I woke up. I drank my coffee. I thought of you. The same old ritual that I’ve been going through since I met you.
Except for today I finally saw what she looks like.
The girl that you picked over me. The girl that’s sleeping right next to you right now. The girl who gets to enjoy your body and cuddle with you at night while I cry myself to sleep. The girl you go out to dinners with on Friday nights and take weekend trips with.
The girl that used to be me.
I saw her. Part of me has always been curious but a part of me didn’t want to know. Knowing means she’s real. Knowing means it’s really over. Knowing means I lost.
Now I know.
Part of me instinctively defended myself. Shit, I look way better than her. You replaced me with someone who looks like THAT?!
Then, I felt ashamed of myself because this is not her fault. She just happened to be the one that he prefers to be with over me. I do not need to compare myself to her because at the end of the day, no matter how good I look or how much I love him, I’m still the one that got left behind.
Love is not a competition that I can win just because I am better. Love is something you fight for but not something you should compete for. Love should not be something I chase and force to have.
If two people are meant to be together, they will be together. Regardless of preference, of race, of sexual orientation, economic status etc. If it is meant to be then the stars will align and the universe will find a way to make it work.
There were countless nights that I cried myself to sleep hoping that you will come back.
Many moments that I wish I was prettier, that I was skinnier, that I have a different skin color. Maybe then you will pick me.
But now I realize that if we were really meant to be together, I do not need to change who I am. You will love me because of who I am, flaws and all.
So today is the day that I realize that I need to stop with the delusion that you will pick me.
Today is the day I realized that as much as I want the stars to align and the universe to be on my side, what is not meant to happen will never happen.
Today is the day that I realize that the only person I am hurting by holding on is myself.
So today, I am letting you go because as much as I love you, I love myself more.