I find myself looking at my phone obsessively. Waiting for that red notification alert and hoping it was from him. I have become a pro at trying to hide the disappointed look on my face when it was someone else.
It was never him.
Not since that day we parted at the airport when we said our goodbyes. I thought it was a temporary parting. I didn’t realize I was the temporary one. I didn’t realize that was the end of whatever it was that we have.
What did we have? A relationship? No. He was insistent about the fact that he does not want a relationship.
Friends with benefits? I think so. We did discuss casually hooking up and had a mutual agreement about it. No strings attached.
But are we just friends with benefits though?
All those daily late-night texts about life, values, problems, insecurities…are those things we discuss with someone we’re just hooking up with? Going on vacation together, dining at fancy places, attending concerts and doing other things people do on dates… are these things we do with someone we adamantly refuse to call anything but a friend that we have sex with?
So are we dating?
He said no. He was very firm about it when he refused to kiss me before hooking up. He said he does not kiss hookups. He only kisses people he’s dating.
Hearing that stung. It hurt like hell.
I know that this situation will not lead to anything but heartache. I willingly entered this arrangement not knowing what I was getting into. I thought I can be more resilient than this. I thought I could be that tough girl who can be ok with just being a hookup.
I was wrong.
This was a mistake.
I wanted to walk away. But he already walked away from me. No warning. No goodbye.
I am a strong, independent woman. I should not be pining after him. I should be out there brushing him off my sleeve and just be considering him as an afterthought. Someone not important. Someone replaceable.
Except, at some point during the late night conversations and dinners and vacations, I fell in love with him.
So now, I’m just picking up the pieces of my shattered broken heart.
Silently hoping that he will start texting me again.
Silently hoping that he will be back in my life.
Silently hoping that someday, he will love me too.