I’ve lost myself in a relationship.
A relationship in which communication is a HUGE problem and the realization isn’t enough to fix it. The two people in the relationship have to want to try. Not one.
And it is just one who keeps grasping at straws and still coming up empty.
I became a shell of the person I used to be and I hate it. Words fill me and I’m a volcano on the verge of erupting. I say too much…but I’m also saying very little.
All of it is just noise.
I substitute the sex I’m not having with food and alcohol. It’s a vicious cycle because the more I eat, the more I lose interest in sex and the more I lose myself. That person who enjoyed physical intimacy…who craved it…is all but gone. When it is no longer a part of the relationship, it fucks with your head. He must not want to have sex with me because I’m not attractive enough. I’m not smart enough.
I’m NOT ENOUGH.
Talking about it makes it worse. Defenses go up and all I hear is that it is my fault. How he feels is my fault. Past grievances are never forgiven and because of it…I have created this person he’s decided he is entitled to be. It’ll never change because I can’t undo the past.
In the end, he’s blameless. My needs aren’t being met and they probably never will in this relationship. Sharing my feelings and thoughts with the man I love is being negative and whiny. So I swallow the pain and my words and try desperately to fill this huge void in my life.
I make a decision to diet and exercise. I find new hobbies…something, ANYTHING that will help me find the person I used to be. That person who had confidence and was brave. She could do anything because she was following her path and she was happy.
Love is strong and can be hard, but it should never be so hard that you lose yourself to the point that you begin to forget who you truly are.
I know that now. And I’ll never allow it to happen again.