It has been said that the things we desire the most are also the things we reject. I wonder about this a lot as I find myself craving an intimacy that isn’t there with my partner. In my view, he’s emotionally unavailable. Physical intimacy is minimal, and there is this connection that we seem to be missing.
I have never viewed myself as needy or clingy but the rejection I receive from him has turned me into just that.
And it sucks.
I was talking to a friend (and by friend, I mean my therapist) and I told her that I know this man loves me, but there is a piece of sensitivity and intimacy that he holds back from me and I have no idea what I can do about it.
When you love someone…you want to express it. You want them to feel loved. Why is it I’m not feeling loved…and since being in this relationship…I feel more alone?
I ask these questions, in hopes to understand the man I love.
“When a man is emotionally unavailable, he is projecting the opposite of what he needs the most. He wants a connection with you, but his past could very well hold unresolved fears which are preventing him from feeling comfortable with this kind of intimacy,” she tells me.
The biology of women and men are designed in such a way that in the most basic description: men are simple creatures. It isn’t complicated. For men, being emotionally unresponsive isn’t about sharing their hopes, dreams and feelings. (My boyfriend’s go-to phrase is, “I’m not going to do a discussion on feelings right now…or ever.”)
Men do not want a theatrical display of conversation or a breakdown of an event that caused the argument. I have found myself in tears trying to have him understand my point of view because more often than not, I feel very misunderstood by him. It’s a terrible cycle because in short, he holds a lot of power in this relationship. I either swallow the tirade of words (for him to understand my view, which is a waste of energy. He has already tuned me out) or let shit go because “It is what it is.”
We can’t change people. A person’s defense mechanism and their conditions of the heart and mind are theirs to work through and cultivate. If your partner is emotionally unavailable…it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t love you. A deeply rooted problem caused by whatever or whoever is the culprit. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Rejection, hurt, and insecurity from one’s past can cause individuals to cover themselves in a shield of protection which sometimes has them looking like an arrogant asshole.
Two key signs to know if your partner is emotionally unavailable:
He’s Never to Blame
No matter the situation, it is never their fault. He drank too much and was an asshole to you at the party? It happened because YOU said something two hours earlier that rubbed him the wrong way.
An emotionally unavailable person rarely admits their mistakes. Their fear of intimacy and also insecurity causes them to be blameless in all circumstances.
It will always be your fault.
Everything is All About Him
A man, who has been a bachelor for most of his adult life, is going to always have a level of distance about him. Being self-absorbed is a typical defense mechanism for emotionally unavailable men. This person will be unable to compromise and in order to avoid looking as the weaker one in the relationship, will say and do things to feel superior.
Men and women view and express things differently. When I talk too descriptively in hopes for my partner to understand me better…I’m ultimately going to receive the opposite effect. All he hears is noise because what could have taken him ten seconds to articulate has taken me twenty minutes…because in my mind, MORE WORDS WILL CHANGE HIS VIEW. (Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.)
When you’re in love with an emotionally unavailable person, you have to take the focus away from them and concentrate on yourself. Do You.
From what I hear, the happier and more secure you are with yourself, the more your partner will be receptive to sharing more of himself with you.