I wish I was as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am the girl who can get through anything. The girl who breezes through heartbreaks. The girl who can find someone else, someone better, always. The girl who is so independent, so strong, so willed. Or so they think.
I wish I was as numb as I’d like to think. The girl who doesn’t feel anymore. The girl who doesn’t care. The selfish, self-interested girl who couldn’t care less about what anyone has to say.
But actually, I am not.
My heart is broken. It feels like it’s in pieces, and every piece has a jagged end. These edges poke at me from the inside every time I move. Even every time I breathe. I am fine on the outside. My hair is straightened out, my eyelashes curled, my outfit chic. I have my chin held high, my mouth in a coy smile. But inside, I am bleeding. Sometimes I even wonder how I am able to survive. Sometimes the pain isn’t even metaphorical. It is real. Like someone is squeezing my heart, like I’m having a cardiac arrest, like I just want to curl and throw up. I find the sight of food revolting. They would all ask if I’m okay when they hear the news. And I will say I’m fine, with a smile that I don’t even know how I muster.
My hands are shaking as I type this. I need to do some work, and I do it in a trance. If I digress, I start to feel. I can’t afford to feel. I feel like I just need an explanation. I cannot move on without an understanding. But at the same time I know that not everything needs to be explained. Not everything needs to be known. Sometimes, it just is.
What is holding me back? Nothing. No one but myself. I’d like to think I want to hold on to the memories, but it hasn’t been that long. I’m somehow scared I won’t find anyone else, but we all know that’s not true. There will always be better ones. My pride is hurt. My ego is beyond damaged. I’m confused, angry, and hurt at the same time. On the other hand, I feel liberated, free, I feel…enlightened. But I need to decide.
It’s not so hard to blame myself. I could have been better. I could have loved better. I could have been more patient. I could have done this and done that. But none of that will ever change anything anymore. It’s not so hard to blame karma either. That maybe things turned back around and bit me when I least expected it. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain. All the times I’ve hurt other people — maybe this is revenge. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain as the pain I’m feeling now isn’t even half of what I’ve caused others. Maybe I’m a bad person, and I needed to feel this to wake up.
I can hardly breathe. I’m in a state of shock, of disbelief. How could all this be happening? I’ve had nightmares like this before, but I would always wake up finding him beside me. Why am I not waking up from this? Is this even real?
It hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much. Make it stop. All there is really, is to accept. You are not alone.