Feel Good About Yourself!
Without Facebook how would you know that the girl you copied off of in Spanish 201 is traipsing through Paris with her handsome, outrageously rich boyfriend? Imagine how less fulfilling your life would be if you didn’t contemplate that one time she maybe would have went out with you if you would’ve asked, as pictures of them kissing under the Eiffel Tower dance before you and your mother yells from the kitchen that dinner is ready. Watch her cheer as her boyfriend gets promoted at Goldman Sachs, and think to yourself that with hard work, better genes, a higher education, impressive connections, and more money, you too could be just as successful!
Stay level with the common man!
Want to keep current with the news? Turn off NPR and turn on your feed! Read that Brent Bayers from your High School class thinks that “Obama sux” and that he’s a “dirty Commie Socialist.” Try to remember if that was the same kid whose Chicago Bears sweater perpetually reeked of marijuana and that got suspended for sticking a yellow highlighter up his rectum in third period. Let this acute political analysis sink in, and watch the discussion unfurl, not unlike the French salon of days past, comments like “right on, man” and “Paul Ryan is hot!!!” pushing you to think in new, daring ways.
The outdoors suck!
Nature is really overrated. Sure, it can be pretty and lots of art and poems have been made because of it, but so what? The outdoors can also be hot or cold or filled with that most detestable of all substances, snow. Facebook, on the other hand, is always the same temperature, blue and white and with a minimal ads. Need change? Well the layout will surely be switched up in some maddening way that will throw off your daily routine and shake your psyche to its very core, and the privacy settings change more often than Lady Gaga. Need a vacation? That girl from Spanish 201 probably went somewhere. Check out her pics!
People are interesting!
Have you ever wondered what other people do at lunchtime, thinking to yourself, “Hey, maybe other people have food, too, you know?” Well, you’re in luck because, with Facebook, you will be graced with picture after picture of other peoples’ meals. From light breakfasts to outright buffets, you will be faced with more cuisine than an hour of the food channel, and you don’t even have to pay for cable or look at Bobby Flay. Want something meatier (pun, as always, intended)? Look no further than Relationship Statuses. Make sure to celebrate as if you just won a long fought war when your friend starts dating, scratch your head when he or she moves to “It’s Complicated” — conjuring up various, often kinky scenarios to justify that phrase — and give them support worthy of a very special Tyra when it all inevitably ends. It’s the right thing to do.
People are interesting but too much effort!
While all aspects of people should fascinate you, particularly of those individuals you only vaguely know, you should not get too close. That’s how friendships, marriages, and human connections form, after all. No, from the comfort of Facebook, you can keep tabs on the receding hairlines and expanding waist lines of all those you grew up with, without actually having to confront the fact that you are all slowly slipping into mediocrity, disappointment, and death. It’s less depressing that way.
Preserve your memories!
Remember that time you slammed down six shots of Jose Cuervo Black, stripped off your clothing, and punched your mother in the face? Of course you don’t. Or you wouldn’t without the photo album your “good friend” put up which documents the evening with a specificity and level of detail usually reserved for Ken Burns documentaries. Plead with your “good friend” to take it down, offering favors and bribes to no avail while she tells you the truth must be spread as if she’s your own personal Julian Assange. She will tell you that you look cute in the photos and you have nothing to be ashamed about. You will know deep down it’s not the truth but believe her. Because, in the end, that’s what (Facebook) friends are for.