Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 24, 2015
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
accountant: "youre basically broke"
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 7, 2016
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
It's not a matter of IF it's our fault… OFC it's our fault
It's just a matter of what angle she's going to use to blame us
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) March 16, 2016
I've been married for about 45 lbs.
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) March 25, 2014
My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2016
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2015