I was an RA. I had 8 residents trap a raccoon and bring it into their dorm to “domesticate” it. Guess what happens when you let a Raccoon in the dorm? It fucks shit up.
Lived in a 21 floor tower, something like 1600 students lived in it. 4 guys decided to have a jam session in an elevator and go up and down the building – had drums, guitar, saxophone, and vocalist. I think every single floor wanted to murder them.
2 things, same dude:
We had a guy who’s room was at the end of the hall so it had a little extra space next to his door. A little alcove. We had tour groups come through our dorm with prospective students and their families. Well on one of those days he tore out a bunch of pics from his playboys and posted them all over his door and on the walls outside his room. He took 3 chairs from the common room and put them outside his room as well. He then had a sign that said “The Bitches and Hoes Waiting Room”. A mother went absolutely ballistic when she saw that. He got into deep shit for it too.
A few months later when another tour group came through, our RA Bill, who was a total asshole, was giving kind of a speech to the highschoolers and their families. So our buddy “fell” out of his room in just his boxers and his hands tied behind his back with a sock in his mouth. He spit the sock out and started yelling “BILL! UNTIE ME! THIS ISN’T FUNNY!!!” Our RA was humiliated, the parents went absolutely nuts over it.
Our buddy was kicked out later that day
One guy peed on a cookie sheet and let it freeze outside in winter. He took said frozen sheet of pee and slid it under another guy’s door when he wasn’t there. All the rooms in that dorm were carpeted.
Guy down the hall was just nasty. Smelled bad, slovenly, but very friendly. He never went to class. You might be thinking “gamer”, but nope – he was a day trader. Always told us about his wins/losses for that day. Anyway, this was before mobile devices, and he hardly ever left his computer as a result. Traded in movements of pennies.
So he had milk jugs to pee in. He told us proudly about how much time he saved by peeing in milk jugs. I presumed he’d dump them out routinely, but the first time I caught sight of his room I learned the truth. It was as messy as you’d imagine, but then I saw the jugs. All over his room. The floor, windowsill, computer desk. My memory is hazy by now, but I’d say he had at least 20 1-gallon milk jugs full of piss in his room.
To be fair I couldn’t verify that they were all actually full or just waiting in reserve, but at a glance at least some of them were clearly topped off. And honestly, how many gallons of piss is really acceptable to keep in your room?
Walked into the shared kitchen to make an easy mac. Upon entering, I see this drunk chick sitting on the edge of a table with a drunk dude standing in front of her. They were talking, but I was way too focused on getting my easy mac on, so I didn’t think much of it. I set put my wet mac in the microwave and set it for 3 1/2 minutes before strolling back to my dorm.
Ding! So I roll back to the kitchen to get my Mac and sure enough, they’re fucking. Her skirt was pulled up, her pink thong was dangling from one of her ankles, and her legs were wrapped around his waist. Now this guy wasn’t thrusting like he is trying to start a fire down there, but based on the sounds this girl was making, he was giving her exactly what she wanted.
I did what any sane man would do, I got my Mac, removed the lid, gave it a good stir and checked for hard noodles. Once the quality control was finished , I casually walked down the hall to my friends room and told him that someone destroyed all of the furniture in the kitchen. He of course wanted to check it out for himself so as he was walking to the kitchen, I got ready for a great reaction.
As he gets to the door, he turns and looks in and says/does nothing. He just stares for a solid 15 seconds. I was starting to think they had stopped, then he gave the classic “WHAT THE FUCK” shout and turns with an expression of confusion and satisfaction.
My work was done. To this day, that was the most satisfying easy mac I’ve ever had.
TLDR: some dude wet his noodle in the kitchen where I cooked mine.
Pull up a chair, it’s story time.
Across the hall from me lived Ron and Todd (not their real names, but who cares). They were…not a good match. Ron was basically a fat hippie, and Todd was on the football team. The funny thing about was that it was Todd who drove Ron crazy, not the other way around–Todd basically didn’t care about Ron’s antics, but Ron couldn’t stand sharing his dorm room with a straight edge.
So after a few months, Ron cooks up a plan to get Todd out of the room. And this is how it goes down, based on Todd’s story about what actually happened. One night, middle of the night, Todd wakes up. The blinds in the room have been pulled open, and it’s light enough to see in the room. Ron is standing in the middle of the room, naked, painting a huge mural on the wall that has the door on it.
As Ron moves from area to area to paint, he skips and quietly sings to himself. Ron also paints himself. Little paint for the wall, little paint for Ron. After 5+ minutes of watching this scene from his bed with growing disbelief and horror, Todd says something, and Ron turns slowly to face Todd, skips over to Todd’s bed, kisses Todd full on the lips, and says “go back to sleep Todd, you’re dreaming.”
Todd is just sleepy enough to find this somewhat convincing, so he rolls over. Also, what else is he going to do? Fight his naked, paint-covered roommate?
The next morning, Todd wakes up. And there’s no mural anywhere in the room. No paint on the floor, no paint on any of Ron’s bedclothes, and Ron is fast asleep in his bed, wearing a t-shirt. Todd wakes Ron up and asks if anything…odd was going on in their room last night. Ron replies that he had a chem test that wiped him out, so he just came straight home and went to bed and had been asleep until Todd woke him up.
So now Todd doesn’t know what the funk to think, but the best answer appears to be that he had a homoerotic dream about his roommate being a painting satyr. So Todd nopes the fuck out of the dorm room and gets reassigned.
It made no sense to the rest of us either, until much later when we were having a beer in Ron’s room. He asked us if we wanted to see something cool. Sure, we did. So he shut off all the lights and then turned on a lamp hidden near his bed–with a blacklight. All the sudden, a massive, glowing mural appeared on the wall with the door on it. And all over Ron’s sheets and comforter. And Ron just started laughing his fool ass off.
And that’s how Ron got a room to himself.
One of the RAs got fired…I can’t remember why. He had a week to move out of his dorm room, and it coincided with “mother’s weekend.” Lots of moms visiting campus. He decided to get a keg and invite a bunch of people over as a “fuck you” to his bosses. His room was larger than most, since he was an RA. When they broke up the party the people stumbling out were frat bros and drunk moms, and a couple of grandmothers.
I lived on the 9th floor of the dorms my freshmen year. One wing was males and the other wing females. One of the girls on my floor received a giant, 10+ inch black dildo with a suction cup attachment as a gag gift from her friends on her 19th birthday. The guys on my floor thought it would be great fun to periodically steal, then chase each other around with said dildo and beat the living hell out of each other with it.
I was in my neighbors room one day when his dorm-mate busted open the door and threw this thing full force at him. Fortunately my friend was able to react quick enough to dodge out of the way. Unfortunately for us though, the dildo went careening full bore into the window behind him, smashed through it and proceeded to fall 9 stories.
We watched in horror and shock as this dildo fell and hit a freshmen girl on the head, who immediately collapsed and began convulsing. Cops and paramedics came and took me, my two neighbors and the poor girl who owned the dildo down to the campus police station.
They put us all into an interrogation room where we waited until a detective came in…with the dildo in hand. He then proceeded slam down the suction cup end of the dildo onto the middle of the interrogation table. We all lost our shit, we couldn’t stop laughing due to the fact that this thing was slowly wobbling back and forth during the whole interrogation.
And don’t worry, the girl who got conked in the head with this thing was fine in the end.
I walked in on a random girl alone in my dorm room. She was squatting over my roommates pillow and shitting on it. I just walked out of the room.
One of my favorites is the kid that got suspended for repeatedly climbing along the outside of the dormitories dressed in full Spider-Man regalia. Everyone thought is was funny when he climbed from the first to the second floor. But, by the end of the week, he was climbing the 7th, 8th, etc. and the school was terrified they would be held liable if he died.
The Dorm Director told him he would be removed from campus if it continued, and his response was, “I’m sorry, but with great power, comes great responsibility.” He was kicked out the next day, after making it to the roof.
There was some dude named Pat on my floor in my freshman year of college. My best Pat story:
As I walked back to my dorm one day, I noticed a dead squirrel in the courtyard outside of the building. Like the rest of the other normal human beings that spotted the poor thing, we walked by it and thought nothing of it. Pat had different plans.
He took the squirrel and froze it in his dorm room refrigerator for about a week. Then he tied a tiny noose and hanged it from the light in one of the dorm elevators, complete with some sort of suicide note about an acorn shortage. He put the elevator out of commission for the entire weekend. Thanks Pat.
Went to a religious all female college. Walked into the dorm hallway to find one student dancing with a snake and speaking in tongues, followed by three other girls praising the lord and also speaking in tongues. Yeah…apparently snakes are not pets if they are used for religious services.
We had a guy who didn’t like the idea of sharing a dorm. That and he was also a very outdoor-sy person. His solution? He set up his tent on the balcony and proceeded to live there, kept everything outside and all.