1. Woman whose lost puppy is stuck in her a$$
Thankfully, I have never seen anybody actually wear this costume in real life. I can only wonder what makes people see this and think, “Gee! This is something I want to drop $50 on!” I mean, go for it, but you can prolly get the dress cheaper at a resale shop.
2. The world’s ugliest pumpkin suit
Call me a hater, but I just have the feeling that this will be one of those things you blow $60 on, wear once, repel all members of you preferred gender, and then throw in the back of your closet with the textbooks you kept around after college for some reason.
3. The mobile Mona Lisa
I can only imagine the conversation in the Halloween costume design office the day this became a thing:
Lazy employee #1: “The boss says we need to infuse some more culture in our costumes.”
The office’s token negative-nelly: “Culture? I thought Halloween these days was about wearing as little as possible and getting laid?”
Lazy employee #2: “I GOT IT. Let’s just mass produce the Mona Lisa, cut out the face, and boom.”
Lazy employee #1: “U r genius bb!”
4. Creepy gorilla holding trustfund kid hostage for ransom prolly
This is crap. The captive inside the cage isn’t even included (nor is the stuffing for the gorilla suit either, according to one disappointed customer)!
5. Kermit goes to prom
I am a big Kermit fan, don’t get me wrong, but if I saw him j-walking down the street after having a few drinks, I think I would be pretty freaked out. It’d be like seeing the ghost of quality television programming past.
6. Joyful singing dancing pieces of bread
Okay, maybe I am biased here because I HATE couples costumes, but this seems particularly dumb. Like, I know this is a play on “we go together like peanut butter and jelly!” but golly, whenever people start channeling cliches and dad jokes, I get v. concerned.
7. Daddies’ little sweet pea
What was the financial incentive for this thing coming into existence? Did the costume designer get some sort of sponsorship from the Green Giant?? Like, do people go to vegetable themed Halloween parties? Is that a thing? Where is the market for this, please someone educate me. (There’s also a corn costume for men, so there HAS to be an answer).
8. High AF guy riding a pink ostrich that probably only exists in his drug addled-imagination
I think this is pretty close to becoming a Halloween “classic,” because, without fail, I manage to see one on campus every year. Last year I actually talked to some guy in one of these who got kicked out of a party because his ostrich’s big head shattered a handle of vodka, so buyer beware.
9. Freaky wizard who can almost certainly kill you with his mind
For some reason this one just makes me really uncomfortable.
10. The “I have athletes foot and am gonna give it to all of you” costume
For when you ACTUALLY want to dress up like a giant hand, but you don’t want people to be high-fiving your face all night. Also a great alternative to the wildly popular elbow and kneecap costumes!
11. That lady who got you to change insurance companies
I think deep down we all want to be that previously obscure actress who somehow rose to prominence though a series of — what should have been — mundane and forgotten insurance commercials. She’s an inspiration to us all, really!
Ultimately, Halloween is the one time in the year we get to wear whatever the hell we want without judgment, so screw the haters (including me) and you do you!