To The People Who Are Questioning My Sexuality, I’m Sorry (Not Really)

Yaoqi LAI
Yaoqi LAI

To the people who are questioning my sexuality —

— don’t worry. I do, too.

I am a girl who identifies as a lesbian. Yet, sometime I think and feel that “I am more than that. I am more than this.” And for people to question the very thing that confuses you doesn’t really help. It’s somehow putting you into a deeper mess than what is already inside your head.

I worry that I will never get out of this label if I change my mind. I worry that people will call me a “fake” lesbian and will disregard everything that I stand for. I worry that being this, being the person I think I am, will forever limit me as person and whom I really am.

To the people who are questioning my sexuality, I am sorry.

I apologize for letting you think that who I am is your business. I apologize that the way I act does not reach “the standards” that you have set inside your head as to who I am supposed to be. I apologize that I am “not gay enough” for you. And I apologize for breaking the stereotypes you have inside your head.

To the people who are questioning my sexuality, I am not okay.

Being confused with what shoes will match your outfit or whether you’ll have tea or coffee is so much different than being confused with who you are and whom you want to be with. It’s not as easy as picking your favorite flavor of ice cream or whether David Beckham is hotter that Brad Pitt.

Being confused about your sexuality eats you inside out. It’s like having more than one person governing the way you think and the way you want to live. And somehow, you just have to live with that until the deciding moment when you finally know — or at least think you know, who you really are. It is like waking up in the morning and thinking if anyone will fully understand the way you are. Waking up doesn’t feel that necessary to you anymore because it’s like the same damn question all over again that you just don’t know how to answer or how to face.

To all the people who are questioning my sexuality, I want you to know that I can do whatever I want to do.

“You’re gay, right? Why are you wearing make-up?”, “You’re gay, right? Why do you have a crush on that guy?”, “You’re gay, right? Why are you talking about guys?”

Aside for the turmoil inside my head, I have to deal with these questions almost every day of my life, whether from somebody else or even from my own head. “Why am I not gay enough?”

People tend to put you on a pedestal in regards to how “gay” you are you, and when you do something out of their standards, the begin to question you. Well, newsflash! I can do whatever I want. There are times that I want to wear a full face on with a matching red lipstick or days I want to fix my hair “like a man” or appreciate or even want to know more about that cute guy on the next table, and maybe I want to date him. It shouldn’t matter because I am more than who I am dating or what gender identity the person I am dating has.

Sometimes, I think that coming out as a lesbian didn’t help me that much. Coming out, for me (in this country), just enclosed me into another closet called “the Lesbian closet” where I am only allowed to wear clothes fit for a lesbian, to act and to feel like a lesbian.

Don’t get me wrong, coming out (to my friends, anyways) felt so good. It liberated me from certain boundaries of heterosexuality or being straight. It made me feel good. For a while. Then it became harder and harder. Because they know I am a lesbian, I suddenly had to be someone or their idea of being a lesbian. And that part, was the hardest, and made me more confused as to whom I really am.

To the people who are questioning my sexuality, I hope you don’t experience this.

To feel like you are not being “consistent” with your decisions or choices your life every single day is hell. There will always a crippling feeling that you are not adhering to the things that you said last time. Sometimes, I think that’s okay but most of the time, it just confuses me even more. You might think that it’s all in my head. You’re right. This is all in my head, and that’s what scares me: I can’t escape this. I can’t just turn it off when I want to. It’s all inside my head.

And I hope that you never experience this: to wake up every morning thinking of ways how to end this.

Again, to the people questioning my sexuality, don’t worry, I do, too. Every day.

P.S. For now. TC mark

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