Remember that first time you busted out an iPhone? It was like upgrading from a rusted ’87 LeSabre to a minted Porsche 911 Carerra. But then two weeks later, you crashed that Porsche by dropping it in the toilet? You had to go back to the LeSabre, and life was just hell, right?
Exactly. It was hell. There are quite a few things out there that once you’ve had them, you can’t ever go back, for example, the clichéd black penis. Here are some other perks that once you’ve had them, your life going back to the old thing is never the same.
1. A queen sized bed, in your own room. When you’re in college, you deal with that small twin bed during your dorm days. After your first few years, you move into a house and finally get your own room. In the corner of this room goes your new, gigantic bed. Going back to either sharing a room or sleeping in a twin bed would be like returning to the cupboard after the triwizard tournament.
2. Moving out of your Parent’s house. Speaking of moving into your new place, you know that moving back home is an undesirable option, albeit still an option on the table. It’s nice to know that you can fall back on your folks if you need to, but it is never the desired path. It is becoming more common, for good reasons, (check out this nice piece by Caroline Radaj), but a part of you longs for that freedom you’ve had.
3. A Smart Phone. I referenced this earlier, but it needs more attention here. It is one of the biggest gaps. Reverting back to a dumb phone is like being forced to ride on a Venezuelan bus across the city for a month because the only train broke down.
4. After using an abundance of similes in a post, it is really hard to stop. Honestly, it’s a sweet little win, like getting your head scratched while watching TV in bed. But I promise to limit myself from here on out.
5. Once you’ve been allowed to listen to music at work, it makes going back to soundless efforts a painstakingly boring time.
6. Once you’ve had Tequila with a lime and salt, you’ll never turn to another shot. It has the kick you want, the reputation of a legend, and even if you hate it, you love it.
7. Once you’ve started drinking delicious six-packs of beer, it is really hard to go back to the keg of Natty Light or Beast or even the Stones. Everyone told you that eventually you’d like the taste of beer when you first started drinking. They didn’t mention the fact that you have to buy better beer than the cheap college shit. Once you’ve tasted the deliciousness that is a craft brew, your taste buds will resent and reject the silver barrel.
You’ll constantly be growing out of old habits and fads, so keep your eyes peeled for other things like that cliched schlong.