Everyone keeps things in. I don’t do it very often. I like to tell people exactly what I feel. But sometimes, I bite my tongue (I see you chuckling at that comment Jenna). I might be embarrassed. I might find you utterly breathtaking and suddenly lose the ability to share my feelings. I might want to refrain from getting my ass kicked. I don’t know why I’m not telling you this, but here they are now.
1. To that guy who just cut me off in rush-hour traffic.
I want to punch you in the face. I know that I’ve been you before, hurrying to get somewhere, during rush hour. But you cutting in front of me is dangerous. And don’t do it to the person behind me either. Wait your turn like a good little boy.
2. To that girl I just met at the bar while hammered.
I’m not going to be calling you tomorrow. I am sorry. But all my decisions tonight were driven by euphoric, celebratory shots. I’m slammed, and it’s not happening. I’m sorry for being an asshole.
3. To the girl I met at the coffee shop wearing the Chuck Taylors.
When I asked for your number, I really wanted it. I am going to call you. You’re probably not going to answer. And then I am going to want to scream that life isn’t fair, when on the inside, I’m just a filthy hypocrite.
4. To the waiter who is super nice at a shitty restaurant.
If you’re giving it a good effort with a smile on your face, I will still tip you well, even if my food is just average. On the flip-side, just because your food is delicious, doesn’t mean you can’t still rock out as a server.
5. To the dude who is built like a brick shit-house and is being a complete asshole to someone for no reason.
I really want to tell you to shut your mouth. If you’re doing it to a friend, I will, and I’ll hope you don’t punch me in the face. I’m not a fighter. I just want you to know that someone will stand up to you, even if it results in being smacked.
6. To the mom with the little kid, anywhere.
I just want to come up and tell you how cute the little guys tiny feet are… but I won’t. I’ll just mumble some baby talk under my breath.
7. To the girl I work with.
I really want to jump your bones. I also want to ask you out to coffee. We mesh really well in the office, and you’re smart, funny, and you get more attractive with each passing day. The thing is, I have been involved in past workplace flings; see “Company Ink,” and I don’t think that this would end any better than that time.
My gears grind easy. But I also have learned to control my urge to blurt obnoxious things. Kinda.