An Apology For Being Your Almost

I’m sorry I assured you I was ready for a relationship. I’m sorry I treated you as a lover, when in reality, I had no intentions in making you mine. I’m sorry I spoke highly of us and convinced you I would be your person. I’m sorry I arranged so many plans and never committed. I’m sorry I never amounted to your expectations and became oblivious when you’d question my lack of effort.

You didn’t deserve my almost love. You didn’t deserve the uncertainty causing you to contemplate overnight. You didn’t deserve to feel anxious when we hadn’t communicated for hours. You shouldn’t have allowed yourself to hurt only to keep me. I took advantage of your potential because I knew you were someone I needed in my life. However, I would’ve come up with many reasons for not being ready. I felt secure with the way you held yourself together, yet I didn’t realize my toxicity was only damaging your well-being.

Now, I understand how you felt—every negligent action was mirrored as my own. I understand how overwhelming it was to create the worst assumptions. I understand how every wrong became so repetitive it made you numb. I understand the hell I put you through and that I never made an effort to correct my mistakes.

As your almost lover, I witnessed the love you are capable of giving, and I know someday someone will appreciate everything you do. My ambivalent behavior does not define your journey of love. I was a twirling tornado trying to find myself, and you were tangled in it. Someone who knows and trusts themselves will never allow you to doubt. I hope you’re content and wise, because an almost love is not what you deserve.

In another universe, maybe we’d be perfect for each other— if I was ready for you or if you were the person I was ready for. Maybe this had to happen so we can discover the wants and needs we seek in a significant other. Our hearts bruise and heal again with the right person. I am sorry for being your almost, but I hope it led you to your forever.

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