Dear ex, I just want to get one thing straight… I don’t miss you.
Everyone who sees my posts probably assumes that I miss him. And I can’t blame them for thinking that. I’ve been posting how much I miss being in a relationship. I’ve been tweeting how shattered I’ve been since we broke up. I’ve been pinning “relationship goals” pictures. I’ve been reposting those sad-shit broken-hearted quotes. In addition to my social media declaration of shitty-ness, if other people can see or read my thoughts and emotions, their assumption of me missing him would become stronger.
I think about him every night. I read our old conversations. I browse through our old pictures together. I remember our late night phone conversations. I reminisce from how we first met, to when we started dating, to our first kiss, and to before things started being off between us. I recite our conversations in my head as if it was a movie script.
I try to relive every single moment. I recall your smile, your voice, your touch, your laughs, your kiss… everything. And I recall the feelings that came along with them.
To all of you (including you, my dear ex) who are thinking that I’m doing all this because I miss him, you are all wrong. But I do miss someone… Just not him. You know who I miss? I miss me. I miss the me I was when I was with him.
I miss how playful I was around him. I miss how I laughed at his stories. I miss how I felt safe around him. I miss how protected I felt with every hug. I miss how I felt beautiful without having to dress fancy. I miss not giving a shit on what other guys think of me because all that mattered to me was what he thought of me.
I miss how I get annoyed when he teases me. Heck, I miss every single emotion. I miss my smile. Because right now, all I have is sadness. And tears. And pain. And I’m tired of it all.
It doesn’t matter how bad our break-up was. It doesn’t matter who gave up first. It doesn’t matter if he replaced me so easily. What matters is this: I was happy. When we were together, he made me feel special. He made me feel alive. He made me happy. He loved me.
Now that he’s gone, he took a part of my happiness with him. Yes, I can still be happy without him, I know. But since the break-up, I’m less happy. He was a part of my everyday routine. And now that he’s gone, I can’t just change everything in a snap.
I have to gradually ease my way to it. I know someday I’m going to be able to fill my happiness again. The part of me that he left empty, I’m sure it will heal someday.
But at the moment, I’m adjusting. Slowly. I’m moving on. And this is part of it.
I just want to be happy again. I miss it.