You’ll most definitely come up in my future; in my conversations. Even with people I don’t yet know. I’ll be having coffee with a new best friend years from now and we’ll start talking about past loves.
“There was this guy…” I’ll tell her and because she won’t know you, she’ll only see what I want her to. She’ll only know the parts of you that I tell her. There will be something magical in that, it will be a cripplingly honest description but it will also be a blind one.
I’ll think about how to tell the story, because I’ve only ever told it in parts, to people who already had opinions.
“We were together for a little while, it wasn’t long, we were only fifteen or sixteen maybe,” I’ll say the word maybe but I’ll still remember the exact dates and times of all our memories.
“He was that guy, you know?” I’ll say, looking at her in search of an understanding of what I mean.
“What do you mean that guy?” she’ll ask.
“That guy who you’ll never forget you know? Your first love maybe; I don’t know but the first person who opened your eyes and made you see the world differently. The person who filled you with some sort of feeling you never even knew existed before them and then when they’re gone they leave you with a sort of black emptiness you never thought was possible….”
She’ll nod because even if we don’t like to admit it most of us have been touched, or should I say burned by this.
“And what was he like?” she’ll ask and I’ll sigh.
“Oh he was great. God he was more than great. I mean for the time we were together he was my everything and I was his and that was both dangerous and exciting but both of us were in too deep too care. In ways we were more than a couple. I mean, I don’t think I loved him in the conventional way; if that makes sense. We loved in this way words fail to describe; it was as if we didn’t realize we were more than just a couple of kids in love until it was too late. And the vastness of our unexplainable love for each other shook us. I certainly can’t understand it and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain it”
“So what happened?’Why did you break up?”
Most people asking this question don’t expect an honest answer; so I’ll decide to break the rules and give her one.
“In truth, I don’t know. One day he just broke up with me. I mean it’s not like I didn’t see it coming, I felt the ice, but I didn’t think I’d react in the way I did or he would react the way he did. At the time it was probably for the better but a part of me will always wonder what if…”
I’ll pause, surprised still at my attachment, “In a way he’s my only regret. Not him, or us, but the way I let him go”
“Did you ever try again?’ she’ll ask because my voice hints of untold twists and happenings.”
“No we never did, but we would often come close. Then I’d back away and build back up a wall only for him to knock it down again a few months later. We were toxic like that. On reflection I know we were both just young and our fear but most of all our pride got in the way of what could have been epic.”
She’ll smile softly.
“I guess the people closest to us hurt us the most.”
I’ll nod in agreement.
“And I guess we’ll always have blind spots when it comes to those we truly love; maybe it’s the only way to love someone.”