I used to believe in second chances. I used to love the line, “I gave you a second chance. I ran back into a burning house to save the things I loved.”
I thought there was something admirable about being brave enough to trust the same love again. Maybe it is admirable. For everyone it is different as every love is different and you can’t base the future of your romances on how they worked out in novels or how other people muddled along, searching blindly for what they should have known was long gone.
There’s a quote I love.
“You can’t keep dancing with the devil and ask why you’re still in hell.”
There is always something tempting though, isn’t there, about staying in hell. Maybe it was the hope that we could meet somewhere in this hell and find our own haven. I think what we don’t realize is that some people will always stay in hell. They will always be toxic to you. I didn’t realize how toxic talking to you actually was. I didn’t understand that the silence that descended like a black cloak would instill in me a fear that everyone could just leave me without a goodbye, without reason, any day.
And that is still something I struggle with, but it is not something you should let take control. It is something you should let build you up and make you stronger.
Don’t deny the fact that you once loved them. You don’t have to take back any words you once meant even if now you could never imagine saying them or thinking them about that person. They mightn’t deserve a second chance but there was still a time when you were right for him and he was right for you. And I do think a part of our souls will always yearn for each other, our palms will never be fully cleansed of each other but if there’s anything I’ve learned since you shut the door it’s that love is a choice and we didn’t chose each other. We had a connection but it’s one I no longer wish to pursue. Once we were given barriers, we didn’t fight and that’s how we knew we were nothing more than mere moments for each other and not a lifetime.
Choice, it’s often a much bigger factor in our lives than faith, we can and we do every day determine our own faith. We can blame life, we can blame circumstances but at the end of the day you chose who you want to be and how you want to live. You chose who you want to love, at first it just happens, at first you just fall head first into the stars and stay there floating for as long as possible. But when your feet hit the earth again, it is choice that will keep you rooted beside the person you love or have you walking away from them. It’s choices that will lead you to turn what was once innocent into a toxic relationship.
We don’t know how this happens but I know that right now and for the rest of my life I am choosing to end all of my toxic relationships. I am choosing to cleanse my mind and soul from all versions of hell; it is far too tempting to bring out the dark inside us all. It’s a release but not in the long term, in the long term it’s a dark winding staircases down the rabbit hole.
You may still like, but that is only because you’re familiar with it. Break your boundaries. Rebuild the walls. Some people are unintentionally your worst bad habit, the most addictive drug and I’m choosing to give them up and not romanticize the people who don’t deserve it. And instead of speaking anything in a useless attempt to better the situations, I am choosing to let these words die. They are long gone. Now, it’s all something I wanted to say but I’ve lost the desire to.
It’s time to bury all toxic thoughts forever. The truth is, you don’t run back into the burning house, even if it is to save the things you love.