After my first break up I was terrified of being alone. I don’t mean being single, I very literally mean being on my own. Being in my own presence. Solo. I clutched my friends and family as tightly as I could and I only fell asleep if I was talking to someone, if I knew I wasn’t alone.
It’s a scary thing, and I knew it couldn’t go on forever. When I was eventually able to cope with my own company for more than a couple of hours, I discovered there was something calming in being by yourself. It wasn’t a sudden discovery and I still am often anxious when I am alone. But when I go away, when I leave people behind, I have no problem being on my own.
So many peoples’ sights are set on the goal of finding the love of their life and spending their time with them. Why? Why does sharing your life with one person make life worth living? I love people, I love relationships but I don’t know if people are meant to be in your life in that way forever. Do we only end up hurting each other more? Love is love, until it isn’t. Until it’s a habit and you’ve forgotten why you’re living in this house with this person who knows you better than you know yourself but somehow that isn’t enough anymore.
I need adventure, I need independence, and I need freedom – and I guess I’m terrified of becoming caught in a cage. Stuck in a routine that becomes more monotone than peaceful.
I’m not afraid of ending up alone because I’m no longer afraid of myself. I know I will find people who love me, I know I will find people who hate me, and I don’t mind discovering all of these things on my own. I don’t mind having my own stories to tell that I don’t share with anyone.
Going places alone allows you to be completely you and it allows you to be continuously changing all the time. Being on your own does not mean you have to be lonely.
I am often lonelier when I am surrounded by people than I am when I am with myself or with a few close people I love.
Maybe a part of me is terrified of commitment. Yes. I am terrified of relying on someone else so heavily, so purely that my whole life may crumble if they left. In my opinion, life is too short to crumble. Life is too short to rely on others. Live your own life, make your own decisions and do things that make you happy. If love meets you along the way, welcome it with open arms. Be vulnerable, be honest, open yourself up to hurt. But when the bitter winter arrives and you no longer have them as your home, don’t go cold. Have a fire burning so bright within yourself that you don’t need anything else to keep you alive.