The Words I Wish I Could Tell Myself When I’m Hurting

Marija Mandić / www.stocksy.com/398597
Marija Mandić / www.stocksy.com/398597

So food doesn’t taste that great does it? You seem to have lost your appetite. Know what else doesn’t taste good? Death; and at this rate we are blasting on a freeway towards it. Get up! I said get up! I know you won’t. You’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself. But you know what, let it out. Let out all the pain, God knows how long you’ve been suppressing all that hurt for. Cry, have a good loud and ugly cry and let it all go because after that, you should stop.

I don’t just mean stop crying, I mean stop fucking up. Stop quivering your bottom lip, it’s your own fault. You keep on repeating the same fucking mistakes and expecting things to be different. You’re expecting everybody to give as much of a shit as you do. But you know what? Stop expecting so much of people and whilst you’re at it, toughen up and quit with the kind heartedness; we both know that has gotten us nowhere.

Get up! I said get up!

Don’t pick up that phone and address the problem. Don’t message him telling him that he’s hurt you, don’t ask him where he’s been; if he wants you in his life he will call. If not, stop looking so bloody pathetic. Don’t call your friend and pick a fight because you have found out all the nasty things she said about you. Don’t assume your mother meant harm, don’t barge into her room and point fingers.

Here we go, you’re getting up. We both know where you’re heading. To the bathroom to literally watch yourself cry. Girl, this isn’t The Bold and The beautiful no one gives a shit about how much conviction you put into those tears. Turn on the shower, you seem to think clearer once you’re fresh. Don’t cry there, we both know you stop crying when the water hits your back.

Now that you’ve calmed down, let’s think about it. We’ve been here before, every emotion and every feeling we have felt it before and we have pulled through. Why are you acting like whatever has happened is going to ruin you? Remember that time we cried so much and we thought that was the worst pain we’ve ever endured? Remember how we thought we would not make it through? We did, didn’t we? And in two weeks you are going to seriously realize that it wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to you, and you were able to get over it like we have done so many times before.

Stop checking his activity on social media. Stop checking how long ago he was active and stop wondering why he isn’t talking to you when he is online. Stop being so damn paranoid. No, don’t be stupid and check his snapchat story to know what he’s doing; if he was free and wanted to talk he would message you. No! Why are you heading back to your bed? Nobody solved their problems in fetus position.

Look at you, you’re in tears over something that won’t even hurt in a week. We both know the extent to which you actually give a shit. We both know why you’re upset. You always want to be in control of the situations around you, you never want to be the one getting ignored; is that why you ignore everybody else? We both know it is. You like to leave messages unanswered because God forbid you aren’t the one to end the conversation. We hate it when we are left unattended to so we save ourselves and stop replying. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN HE HASN’T MESSAGED.

You’ve moved to the couch now with your blanket. Why is it you do this every single time; feel sorry for yourself in a new setting. Just wait for it, you’re going to fall asleep there and then you’re going to wake up and whoop there it is! You’ve checked your phone and his name is flashing on your screen. But you’re buzzing with paranoia right now. Stop. Before you answer and show some attitude. Think. Don’t blow things up over something you made up in your head. Reply and be happy; don’t cold shoulder him.

So today you heard that your friend has been talking shit about you to everybody else? You feel stupid. You feel bullied. People have joined in. You’ve had a long cry, you feel hated, you feel betrayed, it’s over you can never go back to the same friendship group because obviously everybody there is thinking the same thing about you. They all hate you. You should avoid them. WRONG! Don’t deal with your problems like this, it’s so unhealthy. Remember the last time that this happened? It was all a big misunderstanding and even though you knew that, you still decided that confronting them with tears and anger would solve the problem. Remember how you ended up looking like a crazy psycho because of miscommunication and you lost a really good friend? Take a deep breath. Send a polite text, you aren’t a savage; ask to meet for a coffee with that friend and discuss whatever differences you may have like a civilized human being. STOP WITH THE ACCUSATIONS. Give everybody the benefit of the doubt, the mental strain you are causing us is seriously unbearable.

Seriously stop being such an ungrateful little bitch. Yeah, I said it. Nobody that you meet in this world, no human on this planet, not even God will ever love you as much as your mother does. You’re sitting there getting agro over something that she said when we both know she didn’t say anything out of spite. Why did you lash out at her though? Stop trying to top what she says to you so that you can hurt her back? It’s not a game or a contest you idiot. Wipe your tears, stop slamming doors she’ll follow you to your room; she’s worked hard for this house she will smack you up if you’re trying to create holes in her walls. Instead of selectively dwelling on the little words she said that have upset you, reflect on the entire argument; we’ve been here before…it was your fault wasn’t it? And if it wasn’t you escalated the problem didn’t you? Shut up, either way we know this whole blow up was avoidable but you decided to blow it out of proportion and completely ruin your night. Walk over to her room, knock on her door and cuddle next to her. You better apologize. Don’t start raising your voice when she is explaining what hurt her, we both know we will be back where we started if you do. Be calm, diplomatic and be rational, admit to what you did wrong and do not be disrespectful; you’re an idiot sometimes just fess up to it.

Stop letting your emotions cloud your logic, you always seem to be hypersensitive if things do not go the way you imagined. Seriously I’ll never understand why we cry so hard, do it but let’s not stay that way. Nothing in this world is worth it babe. TC mark

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