I was laying out in my backyard today, drink in one hand, a summery playlist in the background, and the March sun shining gloriously. I was thinking about how it took me five years of studying abroad in England, infamous for their cold and rainy weather, to start appreciating the sun again. I find it strange that it is so easy for me to get used to the good things and the good feelings, to start taking it for granted, but how hard it is to get used to the bad things, like sadness and pain.
When you’re happy, you don’t stop and take the time to realize how happy you are. You’re too busy going out and doing things; you’re too busy living your life. You’re too busy being happy until it becomes the norm and you start taking it for granted. You’re off to chase the next thing you think would give you that new sense of happiness once again.
On the other hand, I can never get used to sadness. The first heartbreak hurts just as much as the second, and the third probably won’t be any better. You would think I’d get used to it but I never do. It’s the same emptiness, if not worse. The world seems just as dark as it was the last time, if not darker. And I feel just as demotivated to leave my room, if not more so. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and yet, there I was, the second time around, hiding under my duvet once again, refusing to start the day, or the week, or the month.
I am perfectly capable of appreciating the good things. I’ve learnt to regularly take a break from having fun to check my privilege. I like to think that this allowed me to make the most of my good times and appreciate them for what they are. But what bothers me is how I can’t seem to find a solution to my own sadness.
Is this a personal defect? A unique inability to adapt to pain? Did I miss a life lesson somewhere, at some point, that rendered me incapable of adapting to sadness? Or is it normal to not be able to snap out of a heartbreak quicker every time? Is it human to take happiness for granted and wallow in your sadness? Does sadness stick around so that maybe we can evolve from it, grow wiser, stronger, more prepared for the next heartbreak? And is it so easy to revel in happiness because if we think about it, we’ll grow too nostalgic too soon?
It would’ve been great to be able to wrap this up beautifully with a conclusion of how to deal with happiness and sadness, but I, myself, am at a loss. At least for now. Maybe I will grow out of it eventually and be able to take any beating without a flinch. Maybe I never will and I will just have to keep hoping that the last heartbreak will be the final one.
In the meantime, I will just have to keep counting my blessings and live in the small bursts of happiness that come around every once in a while.