Was it fun for you? Was it comforting for you, thinking I’d continue to be there when you didn’t want to be alone?
You strung me along, claiming you didn’t know what you wanted. I waited, I gave you time, thinking that eventually everything would be okay, that you would stay.
I guess I was just a pawn in your game, a game that I couldn’t win.
I’d sit in bed at night wondering why I wasn’t good enough to make you stay. Why I just wasn’t enough. I’d think there was something I wasn’t doing for you to stay, something I was doing to make you leave.
That wasn’t the problem. You were the problem. You couldn’t decide if you needed time to figure yourself out or if you wanted to be with me.
You claimed it was your trust issues. I know how hard it can be with someone when those trust issues get in the way. I have them myself, but for you, I tossed them to the side.
I thought with you I could finally risk it all, knock my walls down so that I could finally give all of myself in a relationship and be happy. But I was wrong.
This time, it wasn’t me sabotaging my love life, it was you. You claimed you didn’t want to hurt me, but then why did you keep leaving, time and time again?
Why would you continue to come back and say how much you hated us not being together, how much you missed me, how sure you were that this was what you wanted, that I was what you wanted?
You gave me whiplash. By you not making up your mind, you destroyed mine. I said, ‘fuck it,’ to my trust issues and now they are back a hundred times worse.
There is a thin line between hurt and hate. Hurt is harder to feel, hate is easier. And while I don’t hate you, as much as I want to, I hate what you did.
I hate that you made it seem so real, I hate that I couldn’t see it coming, I hate the way I still miss you, I hate that I now wonder why I wasn’t enough to make you stay.
I hate that I took you back more than once, I hate how happy you made me, I hate that I fell for you, I hate that you didn’t fight for us, I hate that when it was me leaving the last time, you didn’t fight it either.
I wanted you to fight for us, to put your fears aside and fight for me. You even said that to me the first time you left, ‘Didn’t even put up a fight,’ but I knew then that you can’t make someone be with you.
So I suppose I may be hypocritical there. But I wanted you to be the one for once caring so immensely.
I feel like I was the one who always cared too much, I was too understanding. I was hoping by walking away you would say ‘fuck it’ and toss your trust issues aside too and you’d fight for me, for us.
But you didn’t, you just said you understood and let me walk away like it was easy.
Every time you left, I was in shambles, my chest physically hurt. But, it didn’t seem to faze you when I did, you didn’t give me any emotion. Just the words, ‘I understand.’
Was I not enough to fight for? Was I not enough for you to at least try?
I want to hate you, but I can’t. I’ll never know if you did truly care and it was just yourself keeping us from working out or if it was all just a game.
All I know is that I will no longer be waiting for you to make up your mind.
One day I may be able to forgive you, but I will never forget what you put me through.