It Took Accepting I’d Lost You To Truly Find Myself

mardais
mardais

I remember the day you left, you were wearing cutoff jeans and smelled like daisies.

I had tasted her scent a couple of times before in your sweat, felt her skin intertwined with yours every time you came home late.

“I don’t have time for a relationship right now,” you said, “You deserve someone who is always there for you, I’m sorry.” Blaming your job and school when in reality you just couldn’t juggle two girls at the same time.

It hurt I can’t lie, but it made me realize with a couple of therapy hours that I was more obsessed with having someone to wake up to every morning then you.

Bouncing from relationship to relationship never gave me the opportunity to be selfish, all I had ever known was how to take decisions with the dependency of someone else’s feelings. I dreaded the idea of driving from work to a house with its lights turned off and no one to kiss goodnight to, until you broke me.

My heart aching and the disgust I felt whenever someone tried to get close to me gave me the time to learn what it was like to be alone, to be caring of no one else but me.

Being engrossed in moving on from you and seeking happiness taught me how to be self-sufficient, put my well-being first before anyone else’s and learn how to say NO without feeling guilty.

I realized that if something doesn’t give me butterflies and makes my cheeks hurt from smiling it’s not worth it.

That it’s okay to have my own opinion and for it to be heard, but that I must also respect anyone and anything who disagrees with it.

That my self-worth does not come from being loved by another person, but from within me. My existence is not validated by someone else.

That before you I was already beautiful and bright. I was born into this flesh and brain and you have none of it to blame.

That vague promises and empty conversations should have no place in my agenda, and that darkness is needed in order to appreciate the sun.

I remember the day you left as the beginning of a new life, a life that sadly you’ll never get to see or be part of.

So thank you. TC mark

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