We are never prepared to actually losing someone for good, to never be able to talk to them, to never see or hear them, to never be able to tell them how we feel. Nothing is as definitive as death and we are never prepared enough to go through this. We all know that life is a present that we are given without requesting and will be taken from us without notice, but we like to believe that death is something that’s happening only to others and never to us. Our family and friends are immortal and will live as long as we do, unfortunately sometimes this only happens in our memory.
Almost two years ago my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer, I can still remember the feeling as if someone pulled the earth beneath my feet and throw me into a wall with the speed of light. I was never too good at keeping a poker face until that day, but not long after I become the master of it. Every little thing that I thought it was so important until that day became insignificant, not being loved back? Betrayed by friends? A broken nail? Losing money on a bad investment?
All of this is not important when you are facing a real tragedy.
I’ve never been really good at keeping secrets either, but I got good at this in a record time. Didn’t want nor needed anyone else pity! Apart from a couple of friends none really knew what was happening, especially at work. I liked to keep my two lives separated. The drama was at home, didn’t need it somewhere else as well. Tried therapy but didn’t really worked for me, what did work was burying myself in work, it was the only time I could not think about my problems and so I got better and better at work.
We often hear older people talk about how important health really is, but we always tend to think that is only because they are old, we are the Peter Pan generation, we will always be young and beautiful. But sometimes really check is made by getting hit by an asteroid straight in the head and only then realize that you become one of those old people. Maybe you don’t show it yet, or your age is not as high, but your soul does.
Until this happens to you, only then you realized how fragile life and happiness really is. After that moment all is a rush of emotions, from denial to anger, from pain to despair and back, from hate to sleepless nights. You even turn to all the gods and ask for a change of history, yet nothing happens and days go by.
As time passes wounds tend to heal, never completely but sure hurt less. There is no bigger bullshit than the one saying that you are now a stronger person, that life gave you a lesson and you survived. Personally, I don’t find myself stronger, but less sensible, more arrogant and detached. I now hate the people that are talking shit about their parents and don’t appreciate what they have (here I am not referring to abusive parents!).
The lesson I learned was a tough one, it is no good and evil, there is no karma, I still don’t know if there is a God, nor if he is good or bad.
We owe it to the ones we lost to live life to the fullest and to never let them down.
In a nostalgic way I hope they will reincarnate and live again a new life, I don’t like the idea that they are just frozen in time looking down on us.
If you thought I would give you a list of things to do to get over this, I can tell you from the start there is none, I searched it myself. But I can tell you what really works: time. Give time to time and things will get easier, better somehow but never the same. You will be a different person, maybe a better one, don’t know that either. But even in the darkest time remember that you are still alive and it’s your duty to make your life a good one, you don’t know when your time will come and trust me there isn’t a single soul who thought in the last moments of life that he or she lived enough.