1. Hello, guy number one. You’re being swiped right because your first picture is with a man who is presumably your father, and he’s really good looking and dressed impeccably which can only mean you’ll be that way as you age.
2. While you have really cool international travel photos, I’m going to have to swipe left, sir. Your profile includes a quote about being fly and you’re 26. Do you see the negative correlation here?
3. Sir, I have many issues with your profile. Your one and only photo is a close up of your face. A face which, while not the most hideous I’ve seen, possesses a very unappealing creepy mustache and somewhat of a unibrow. Two strikes. Third strike is that your description states you’re not looking for a relationship and making love should be fun. The creepiness factor of this Tinder profile is too much to handle right now.
4. I am swiping you right because you have a dog in your picture and you make fun of yourself for being ginger. You also have a screenshot photo of a snapchat you sent that makes a self-deprecating joke about how good you look when you clearly do not look good. #Respect. Also, you like Radiohead and Brand New, so that’s pretty cool even if that does scream high school angst. I’m basically planning our wedding right now, hope you don’t mind.
5. Okay, so I’m being a shallow prick right now and swiping you left because you appear to be way shorter than me. Just not my cup of tea. But hey, you’re working on becoming a doctor so your parents must be really proud of you. High five.
6. You look like you’re an extra on Sons of Anarchy. You have a bandana on your head and a leather jacket on. You have a bald eagle and an American flag tattoo on your forearm. You have a mohawk and gauges. I don’t think a relationship was ever in the cards for us.
7. Ew oh God, I know you. The short Jewish kid my BFF befriended at college. I want to swipe right so bad and find out if you swiped me right or not but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk. I guess I could always immediately block you. This is always my biggest dilemma on Tinder: to swipe right or left on someone I know even though I really want to know if he swiped me right. But anyway, back to this guy. I really wish someone would tell him that by rewriting the lyrics to the song Timber to fit Tinder is not clever, it’s overdone. Swiping right as I write this. Curiosity wins. AAAANNDDD it’s a match. Kill me now.
8. Every single one of your pictures is with a very cute baby girl. That can only mean she’s your daughter and I’m not up for playing step-mommy anytime soon. Left.
9. You give me the vibe of a guy who thinks he’s really hot shit but is in fact quite the opposite. I’m actually glad I came across your profile, because I need to address this issue. Asking “Are you my Tinderella?” in your profile or in a direct message to me is absolutely positively NOT appealing. I literally cannot think of a single response to that question that doesn’t sound completely absurd. I’ve been told that girls use the term “Tinderfella” which I will in no way support or condone. You all sound absurd on an app that is already absurd enough. That is all. Next.
10. “Message me if you have a fantastic buttocks” is what I’m greeted with. Upon further investigation however, you’re incredibly hot in a very foreigner kind of way. Even your name is kind of exotic. And your smile is a bit heartbreaking. And our shared interests are Sublime and Starbucks. I don’t care how much of a douchebag you might be. If it’s a match, that’ll be a fantastic ego boost. YESSS, sweet victory it’s a match.
11. Two out of three of your pictures include you wearing a gold chain while you blow cigarette smoke into the camera. Yuck.
12. You’re tall, you’re on a boat, you’re in the military, and there is a picture of you at some kind of neon paint party. Throw in the fact that I have some weird magnetism towards anyone named Andrew and you’re a definite right.
13. I might actually be in love with you. Tall, earth-shatteringly good looking in a very down to earth normal guy kind of way, special ed teacher, reformed religious fanatic turned atheist. You speak foreign languages and name two very smart scientists as your heroes. Be mine, please.
14. I can’t even begin to comprehend the pronunciation of your name. You also have your cartilage pierced. It’s just not looking good for you.
15. You’re way too attractive and you’re out of my league, but I’m going to swipe right for the hell of it. Can’t hurt.
16. You have crazy eyes that are giving me images of you murdering me after I reject you so nobody else can have me. I don’t want to take that risk even if you could be the nicest guy in the world. Crazy eyes don’t lie.
17. The live action shot of you blocking a soccer goal is pretty hot. However, you’re making douchey duck faces in all of your other photos, so it’s a no go.
18. I’m swiping you right because I’d love to see the look on my conservative mother’s face when I bring home someone named Esteban. Also, you’re very attractive and like to travel, so you even seem like someone I’d be genuinely interested in beyond shocking my poor old mom.
19. You’re way too hipster for me, I wouldn’t be able to keep up.
20. You seem to have a penchant for fedoras. This wouldn’t work out in the long-run.
21. You ain’t no 10, but you sure do think you are. Saying you’re not interested in dorks but need a pretty cheerleader because you’re a jock is repulsive. Byyyyye
22. You’re rockin that pony tail and flannel button down, so I’m gonna have to say yes to this.
23. I hate the one mutual friend we have, so at the risk of you being BFFF’s with her, I’m going to have to say goodbye. Even though you’re really hot I can’t risk that kind of drama.
24. The girl that is in four of your six photos is so clearly a girlfriend. Even if she’s an ex, it’s still not okay.
25. You’re a (white) rapper who wears Ralph Lauren and you claim to be in a gang. I don’t know how I feel about this so left it is.
26. You’re skinnier, shorter, and way prettier than me. Left you go.
27. You’re from England and you’re moderately attractive. I’m pretty sure I’m required to swipe you right.
28. You have the same name as my dad. Mentally, I just can’t go there.
29. Excruciatingly cute dog in your first picture while you make that stupid squint face guys tend to make in pictures and you’re wearing your snapback backwards. Second picture: you’re pointing to a half empty handle of Absolut. Next up is the obligatory picture of you playing basketball mid air followed by the picture of you doing a backflip off a diving board. All things considered, this isn’t the worst out there. But this is also deceptive. Adding all of this up makes for one really douchey profile. Except the dog. The dog is beautiful.
30. You seem like a genuinely normal guy, even if both of your ears are pierced. I’m very glad we matched, however #13 is still in the lead. No, I haven’t forgotten about him.
31. His profile triple dog dared me to swipe right. Obviously I’d be a chicken if I didn’t do it.
32. Honestly, you had me at Ivy League. The athlete part is just an added bonus.
33. Holy shit, you’re hair is so voluminous and flowy and I’m so jealous. But after looking through some more pictures, it seems like your hair is shorter most of the time. Any man that can pull of multiple hair lengths is a keeper in my book. Even if it is just for some hair advice.
34. I was really hoping you’d be the other guy in the first picture. Guess not, so for now it is adieu.
35. Alright, so here comes a contradiction in what I’ve said about a previous guy: I know I said I won’t swipe right if he looks shorter than me or at least barely taller than me, but damn. This guy is cool as hell. Aside from the fact that his face is a work of symmetrical artistic beauty, his first picture is of him smoking a cigar, sipping on what appears to be scotch, and is wearing a half zip sweater. Moving along the picture line, he’s wearing a sweater from a really good school so I assume he goes there. Next picture is just so effortlessly cool I can’t even describe it with words. But then it becomes evident he is much shorter than the average man when he posts pictures next to men of average height. But I can’t say no to him.
36. Yeah, you might be in a wheel chair and my initial concern is whether or not you’re sexually capable. But you have a killer smile and beautiful blue eyes so I’m kind of smitten.
37. Ugh the hipster graphic designer douche in all his glory. I’m just kidding. There’s nothing wrong with being a graphic designer at all. This guy just fits the stereotype to a tee. But I’m swiping right because who knows, he could provide some really interesting conversation.
38. Ew, okay this guy went to my high school and has been dating this girl I kind of know for years and years now. And yet he has this profile and was active one day ago. And he has a really bad habit of messaging girls on Facebook trying to hookup. What a pig.
39. You’re a drummer for a band so I’m immediately drawn in. You kind of look like you’re full of yourself though. So nope, not going to indulge in this crap.
40. I usually wouldn’t hesitate to swipe left on a guy who has a picture that is a collage of his car, however I might make an exception. He’s also not the most attractive in the world but he has a nice smile and he has some pretty cool, laid-back interests. Going to go out on a limb for this one and swipe right. There’s a 50/50 chance my gut reaction to him being a normal human being is right.