I hate to lose love from anyone, but especially from those who really tried to love me.
However, I love easily. I love initially. I love a lot.
So, losing love comes a little more regularly for me.
A tidbit of background info before we dive in deep… I’ve always been the type of person to see the good in everyone until someone else points out the bad–but I learned that kind of love from the people who love me. “The people” being those who love me unconditionally; those who have never turned their back on me. I’ll admit, a few have turned their noses up from time to time, but my shit didn’t smell good. I don’t blame them. Nevertheless, these are the people who made a choice to love me through life.
Still, there are those I know–without a shadow of doubt in my heart–loved me, but just couldn’t put up with me. This one’s for you. This is a eulogy for the love that went away.
I won’t lie; it hurt me when you left.
I’d be telling a bold-faced lie if I said it didn’t hurt me when you left. I may not have always told you things you wanted to hear, but I always told you the truth about who I was. There was always honesty on my end. There was a trust I felt with you that led me to believe that you knew there was so much more to me than what meets the eye. So when you left, it cut me deeply because I trusted that you could handle the workload that came with mining a diamond in the rough.
You’ll always be a part of me.
Even though it hurt me when you left, I had to realize that I initially let you in for a reason. I trusted you for a reason–even if you weren’t able to recognize that–it was for a reason. You weren’t just anybody to me. I didn’t hold back. I allowed you the opportunity to connect with me on every level you chose to and I don’t regret anything about that. I enjoyed the connections we made and although there’s no more ‘us’, those connections will always contribute to the fulfilled part of my being.
I understand it now and I forgive you.
Most of the love I’ve lost hasn’t been a result of the usual reasons people have to say goodbye, including but not limited to cheating, lack of care, or bad sex. As I mentioned before, much of the love I lost was simply because of my inability–or maybe my refusal–to change who I am. I get it though. I’m a force to be reckoned with. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Still, I respect you and love you for trying. And even more so for not wasting either of our time.
I won’t apologize for being me.
At the end of the day, this is who I am. This is who I”ll be. I’ll improve. I’ll grow… but I’ll still be me. I can’t apologize for that. I’ll always hold it near and dear to my heart that you tried to love me because there are so many people who had the opportunity to put forth the effort and didn’t. I’ll never take that away from you. Nevertheless, I can’t hold it against myself that we didn’t work out because you couldn’t accept me, flaws and all.
It’s true. What’s meant to be, will be.
I still love you. That’s one thing that doesn’t change with me. Not in the same way as I once did, but my love for you still resides. As I mentioned earlier, I love initially. I find it so easy to show and feel love for the people who grant me that same opportunity. With that, I will always love you for making an honest attempt at loving me the way you knew how to. I will forever be grateful for your willingness to try to love someone like me.
…but you can’t come back.
We made the right choice. As much as I’ll always love you… even though you’ll always be a part of me… I gave it my all. I was honest. I reciprocated. I was me. Outside of giving you me, I have nothing left to offer, so I applaud you for letting me go. Settling was never an option. There are so many people who haven’t been as lucky. There are many who are held captive to toxic relationships and I’m so happy we chose differently.