Meet Benjamin Barry, a name as unoriginal as his pick-up lines in the much acclaimed, perfect for an evening date with Netflix, How to Lose a Guy in 10 days. Benjamin is an advertising executive and ladies’ man who, to win a big campaign, bets that he can make a woman fall in love with him in 10 days. Little does he know the beautiful Andie Anderson, also known as Kate Hudson, has a few tricks up her sleeve.
To please her editor, she accepts a creepy, nonsensical assignment: to lose a potential romantic partner in less than a fortnight by doing all of the awful things women typically do to make men flee from us.
So, in an age where our fingers run marathons on Tinder, and reality dating shows making the centuries-old practice of courtship obsolete (sorry, Disney) let’s make this Halloween with a twist, shall we?
1. Why say “Boo” when you can scream “Commitment?”
Yelling “Boo” is pretty scary dressed in a witch costume as if you just stepped out of a scene in Charmed. But us millennials can do better. In an age where we’re all in pursuit of a “no strings attached” style of relationship, try screaming “commitment.” Nightmare on Elm Street doesn’t stand a chance on the Halloween scale.
2. Replace Candy with a Juice cleanse just for the two of you
Because being Hangry is the scariest Halloween costume anyone can wear.
3. Print out his LinkedIn page and ask about his career trajectory
Preferably with a flashlight, dressed as an FBI agent. Like, why did you only stay there for 6 months? Do you have commitment issues? *Hears Drew Barrymore in the background screaming*
4. Show him the extensive Pinterest wedding board
Costumes are daunting, thrillers are frightening, but if you’re looking for pure torture, look no further. There’s nothing a guy loves more than thinking about marriage and his future house with his future wife and his future kids and his future dogs and his future job and his future bills…
May I suggest a black wedding dress for the occasion?
5. Kate Hudson dedicated a special name to her co-star’s manhood
Two words – Princess Sophia.
6. When he doesn’t respond to text, send him a series of crying emojis followed by just the right amount of gun emojis
How dare anyone call a woman emotional?!
7. Ruin Sports
Nothing comes between a man and his game with a bunch of players in shorts throwing around a single football, right? On their second date, Andie takes Ben to see the Knicks, but then she won’t let him watch the game, whines for diet soda, and calls him by an obnoxious nickname. The sixth sense doesn’t look so scary after all..
8. Let’s Redecorate
The first time Andie goes to Ben’s house (again, to watch the sports game and eat meat because, MEN) she brings stuffed animals, tampons, and a fern. So this Halloween, let’s make Pink the new Black?
9. CHICK FLICK MARATHON
Why go for Scream when you can watch Cinderella? Over, and over and over again?
10. Make Composites of What Your Kids Would Look Like
May I take the liberty of suggesting some horns and vampire teeth?
Unlike in the movie, you won’t be having a charming karaoke battle/car chase that ends in two lunatics deep-tonguing each other. Nobody gets the diamond account, and I don’t think I will get a column in Cosmo at the end….
But at least it will be a Halloween you’ll always remember.