The Fear Of Never Getting Your Shit Together

Kaori Aoshim

While I embraced turning a year older recently, I was secretly wrangling with the fear of not getting my shit together.

I didn’t know where I got this idea from, but I have the perception that life should be set before 30, and the clock is ticking mercilessly against my will.

I couldn’t understand why I still have the desire to walk away from what I know and dive into what I could be, which requires a lot of ‘figuring out’.

As I grow a year older, I had to accept the truth that I am still in the process of exploring and becoming, and I can’t be sure where I’ll be landing.

A beautiful mess

Sometimes, having these thoughts jumbled up in my mind made me feel like a mess. But whenever I looked back at my journey from 27 to 28, I couldn’t help but to love myself more.

If my life is a mess, it is a beautiful mess because I created something beautiful out of it — a book called ‘The Art of Owning Your Story’.

On the day the book was launched, I had a profound feeling that hit me internally when I talked about my book onstage.

It wasn’t pride.

In that moment, everything that I went through suddenly made sense — the fear, tears, uncertainties, sleepless nights, breakdowns, soul-searching trips, surrendering, silent camp, quitting, and trying.

When I was talking and people were listening, I realized that I have a voice to share my unconventional journey as a millennial.

It will all make sense in the end

On my 27th birthday, I was in a good job that sucked the life out of me. I quitted the job in May 2017 and dove into content writing as a full-time solopreneur without any qualification and experience.

The transition was smooth thanks to luck and relationship. But when writing became a job, I learned that there is a difference between writing for a purpose and writing for the sake of living.

I decided to stop the work that didn’t add value to my life and embarked on a 3 months book publishing project.

In the past one year where my life revolved around creating and writing, I had a separate journey on the internal level that revolved around overcoming the fear of uncertainties, the fear not being good enough, and the self-deprecating feeling of not earning an income.

It was an enriching journey that made me a much stronger person, someone I am proud to be.

Getting my shit together

“Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.” — John Wooden

Some people called it ruthlessness, but I had a book worth of stories because I honored my feeling and let my inner compass guide me through.

Sometimes, a step in the opposite direction can forever change our lives.

At the very least, I had peace in mind knowing that I made conscious decisions and efforts in steering my own direction.

Getting my shit together starts with knowing who I am, accepting every thoughts and emotion that came to me, and being able to feel good in this present moment.

I have everything I need in me. TC mark

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