When you get involved with someone, it’s hard to know their true colors. I guess you never really know exactly how someone feels about you until they act on it. In relationships, though, it becomes exponentially harder to put all your trust in a single person. You’re trusting your fears, hopes, and maybe even your dreams in just one tiny human being. I’m pretty sure that if we all gave it a second thought, we wouldn’t be doing it so frequently. We give out love and pieces of ourselves almost like the Earth providing oxygen. Nobody tells you how lonely it is to be with someone who’s running 10 steps ahead of you. You always feel that you’re in “fight or flight” mode, always preparing to catch up to them again.
So, naturally, when your significant other repeatedly breaks your trust, it’s hard to believe it at first. How would you even begin to do so? You thought you knew his heart. You’d been growing sure that he was the one. Hell, you were sure he would never do it. But he did. And he denies it. He denies it while staring at you with those perfect shaped eyes that you find so hard not to dive into. You want to believe it so bad. And so you make yourself do just that.
“It’s not what I’m thinking. He’s telling the truth, I’m just being jealous.”
Then again, unknown notifications pop up on his screen. It’s a woman’s name. Then another woman’s name. He reassures you that “no, it’s not what you’re thinking.” Yes, it’s just work. Yes, it’s just a friend’s friend. Yes, it’s just that take out restaurant. Yes, it’s just an old friend that he never told you about. On a Friday night. On a Saturday. On a Sunday.
“Stop overreacting. Obsession doesn’t look good on you. You know he loves you.”
Next week, he’s gone for days, which is fine, because a healthy relationship obviously needs “alone” time, right? But when he comes back, he just casually tells you that he went someplace new and grabbed a drink with a friend. Watched a game with another friend. Went to a last minute party. And so it goes.
“It’s okay, I’m glad that he’s still having fun with his friends. It’s just a game. A few beers. No big deal. If he’s happy, I’m happy.”
Later, even though you told yourself that you did believe his explanations, that there’s no way he’d cheat on you, that you’re everything he sees, that he wouldn’t blow up what the two of you built together, you can’t stop replaying every one of those conversations. The spiral swallows you whole before you can even understand.
And then you stalk his social media: new followers, mutual friend’s posts, names. More names than you can count. Too many women’s faces that look suspiciously like his type. Too many likes on those girl’s bikini pictures. Therefore you proceed to scrutinize yourself. Am I too thick for you? Maybe you actually like blondes better? Is it because she’s more successful than me? Or maybe she’s just, simply put, hotter and bolder?
You can’t even pinpoint where you began. But I bet you can pinpoint that you’re spiraling out over someone whose actions are now crystal clear.
It’s only hard to accept it because you’re the one who’s in the relationship. You know that if it were any of your friends in that scenario, you’d be flabbergasted that they don’t see exactly what’s in front of them. You’d be sad that they don’t know their worth. You’d be irritated that they don’t realize how twisted they’re starting to act. You’d be annoyed that they don’t listen to you.
Deep down, you know it’s time to take a step back when you start to feel lost where you once thought you’d be safe. It’s time to face reality as it is.
When your intuition talks to you, don’t ignore it. Oftentimes, it’s just confirming what you already chose not to know.